Wednesday, January 27, 2010

"Wifing" a Thick Chick

Happy Hump Day!

Okay...let me tell y'all about the foolishness I heard on the train today.

Skinny Bit...I mean...Girl: "I feel so bad for my sister. She dates loser after loser. She just can't find a man."

Guy: "Well, why do YOU think your sister is having such a hard time finding a man?"

Skinny Girl: "I don't know. I think she needs to lose weight. No guy is gonna wife her when she needs to lose 50 pounds. You know how y'all are. I told her she needs to lose weight and then the quality of men she attracts will be better."

Guy: "I dunno 'bout dat. Big girls have a better chance of becoming wifey than a skinny chick if you ask me."

Skinny Girl: "Why you say that? Women attract men with their looks, so if she's fat, ain't nobody checking for her unless they just wanna hit it. She's just fat."

Guy: "Maybe...but big girls can cook, they clean, and their lovin's better cuz they all soft. They don't get much attention, so they do what they gotta do to take care of their man - and men like being taken care of. So while we might not admit it, we got love for the big girls too!"

And then they get off.

Where do I even start with this?

First of all, I can't believe this woman would tell her sister that if she lost 50 pounds, she would meet better quality men. Who says that? And how does that make sense?

Since I don't know her sister, or her for that matter, I can't pretend I know the whole story. Maybe her sister isn't really "fat" by any means...since the term "fat" is relative. Maybe her sister dates losers because she's insecure. Maybe she's insecure because she has a sister who tells her she's fat!

But the guy's comments took me back a bit too. They cook? They clean? Their lovin' is better?

Well, that part might be true...wink, wink ;-)

But what is he trying to say? That big girls are domestic and we have to learn how to take care of a man in order to keep him because we gets no play?

Child please.

Just like there are men who won't date a big girl because she's big, there are women who won't date a man because he's short...or broke...;-)

But who cares about those shallow people? I doubt they make up the majority of men and women out there who are truly trying to "wife" or "boo" somebody. People who seek genuine, loving relationships look for more in a potential mate than what size jeans she wears or how tall he is flat footed.

While I agree that we usually attract people by our outer appearances first, that isn't what usually KEEPS our interest. Men love a pretty girl, but they "wife" a good woman. They want a woman who takes care of them emotionally, spiritually and sexually...and of course it helps if you can whip up a cheese sammich and keep the house dust free.

But that's not a big or skinny girl thing. That's a good woman thing. We all have our preferences with looks, body type, height, weight, etc. But ole girl on the train is delusional if she thinks skinny girls get their pick of all the "good" men, while us thick chicks sit back and take the leftovers. Great guys come in all sizes and shapes too - just like assholes do...and you can't tell which is which with just one look.

Some men will smash a chick who is...how do I say this..."unfortunate" looking in the face, simply because she has a slammin' body. She might be dumb as a bag of rocks, but she has a small waist and a big booty - so he'll still hit it. So telling her sister to lose weight doesn't mean she'll automatically meet a great guy - or that she in turn will become smarter, prettier, or a better woman. She might be healthier, but that doesn't equate to "wifey" material. It's a bit more complicated than that.

If her sister needs to get healthy, she should do it because she wants to - not because she wants to find a man. Most big girls I know don't have a problem getting attention from men, and they appreciate men who can see past the superficial in order to get to know the real them underneath those Spanx. If you don't like the way you look - then change it. But do it for the right reasons, not because you think the only good guys walking the earth will only look your way if you're a size 6.

Confidence is sexy - and that's what most men gravitate to. If you carry yourself like a lady, stand with your head held high and walk assuredly swaying your curvy, sexy hips - men will notice. Good men.

Identifying an asshole and staying away from him is something all women should know how to do - no matter what size they are - and maybe this woman hasn't figured out that maybe her sister just ignores the red flags that all 'bad" men undoubtedly wave. Her problems with men may not have anything to do with her size, but more with her feelings of self worth. Or maybe she's just been unlucky in love. Who knows!

But to say that all her problems will be solved by hitting the gym 7 days a week and eating celery is NOT the answer. She should talk to her about any negative patterns she finds herself repeating, how she feels about herself, and what she can do differently than what hasn't worked in the past when it comes to failed relationships. She should encourage her sister, not shoot her down. This woman needs her sister, not a critic.

We all go through rough patches when it comes to dating. The trick is determining what you really want in a relationship, and then going after it. But you have to feel that you're worthy of the love and relationship you deserve. That begins with loving yourself first, and then finding someone who loves you for you - just the way you are.

-b

21 comments:

True Soul said...

Thick Chicks are definitely a GIFT!!!

Serena W. said...

UH OH...FIRST WASN'T CALLED ON THE FIRST COMMENT! Lol!

Stef said...

I know, breakin all the rules!!! LOL!!

Tanisha Malcom said...

Wow, sorry you had to hear that on the train this morning Brooke. It's funny, you are always going to find someone that believes that because a woman is on the thicker side that she lacks confidence and doesn't get play. What a lame assumption. There's somebody for everybody. The bottom line is, if your attitude stinks, no one will come near you regardless of your size or how good you think you may look. People are crazy!

Serena W. said...

Skinny chick sounds more like "ignant chick!"

Not ignorant, just straight ignant!

This piece took me back to the movie, "Why Did I Get Married." I loved Jill Scott's role and how her confidence grew and she began to take care of herself because she wanted too after that bum husband of hers cheated and left.

I don't believe the myth that big girls finish last. Like you said Brooke, fat, skinny, short, tall we have all (or most) have attracted or dated bums!

Dude's response was a trip too! So he assumes that because you're a big girl that you know how too cook, love someone, etc. Not always the case. A bad pick is a bad one. There are some skinny women I know that can burn in the kitchen and some big girls that can't.

Its a skill! (Sigh).

Any who I can go on but want to see who else responds.

Great blog as always B!

True Soul said...

This just speaks to the generalizations that are prevalent our society. What lies underneath is that Thick Chicks "tend" to approach life & relationships differently. Dealing with shallow dudes that fall prey to those images of the "perfect slender chick" often results in more focus on self in a positive or negative way. How she copes with it varies. Some women own it and some women are ashamed of it. The key is that a person needs to look beneath the surface and determine the true character of a person. We all take the superficial into account, but from my experience a GOOD WOMAN can come in ANY size!!!

Yolanda said...

Thick chicks rock!

Skinny broads are always hungry and don't want to admit it. Hee!

Let me go warm up my lunch...

phillygrl said...

I'm on Brooke's side!!!:-)

THATgirl said...

I just wrote this looong post, and it's gone... :(

Long story short--I'm a big girl, and I'm gorgeous. I never had a problem getting a man, but when I was younger, I thought that if I was smaller, I could get better ones. I suffered from alot of insecurities and self-esteem issues related to my weight. The older I got, the more confident I became, and the more I realized that women of all sizes meet losers-not just big girls. The men you get with are the men you accept--so if you don't accept the BS, you won't have to deal with it--regardless of whether you're a 6 or a 16.

Brooke said...

LMAO @ Yolanda "let me go heat up my lunch" :-)

I just couldn't believe the conversation I was hearing. Both of them thought they were really saying something, meanwhile all I could do was shake my head.

And I agree True Soul - you either accept who you are, or are ashamed of it. We can always improve on something, but I think people who don't focus so much on how they look to other people work on who they are INSIDE rather than who they appear to be to others on the outside. Insecurity or confidence - both are a trait that you can have - no matter what size you are. Either you own your true beauty, or you spend a lifetime chasing something that's already inside of you.

Jay said...

Brooke,

Today's blog was hilariously exceptional. You hit the nail on the head beautifully. A man will have sex with just about any woman who is relatively cute - no matter her size - but not wife her. Getting attention is not the same as KEEPING a man's attention. I'm sure women feel the same way.

It sounds to me like this skinny girl can't see past her sister's weight either, which is unfortunate. And like you said, maybe her sister isn't realy "fat" at all, but simply thicker than SHE is. The skinny girl seems to think that everything that makes her attractive to men is simply the fact that she's skinny. Just like pretty girls don't take the time to develop their brains or a personality simply because they get over on being "pretty." While men may like to look at her, or have sex with a "pretty" or "skinny" girl, that's not what will hold him. Not if he's a good dude anyway.

I know plenty of good brothas who married "thick" chicks because these women were confident, sexy, intelligent, fun and had great personalities. They had more going for them because they didn't focus so much on being model thin, but rather focused on developing themselves from the inside out. And if a man can't see how great a woman is for her heart and who she is as a person, then you don't want him anyway. That girl isn't missing out on great guys because she's "fat" - she simply may not have met a good guy yet, or she's passing them over - maybe for the same reasons these other guys are passing HER over.

At the very least, try to be what you want to attract. If you focus on being the best you YOU can be, then you'll attract a guy (or girl) who's the best THEY can be, and you'll come together when it's meant to be. Great blog today (as usual)!

Stef said...

I'm with Yolanda, thick chicks rule! And any dude who doesn't realize it can keep it movin!

But seriously, I can't stand when skinny bitches think they're the shit simply because they're skinny. It's like "and? what else you got going for you?"

And skinny doesn't always mean healthy. I know a bunch of skinny girls who can't run from here to there without suckin wind! You can be healthy and thick, or skinny and out of shape. You can be sexy and big, or skinny and ugly! LOL!

The trick is being happy with who YOU are, and being a good person. Don't try to look or be like anyone else because you think you'll get a man, a better job, or be happier. Be happy NOW. Love yourself - and everything else will fall into place.

The Cable Guy said...

Great blog Brooke!

And thick chicks are DEFINITELY sexy - just look at you with your fine self! And clearly you have no problem attracting men, cuz you have a few fans on the blog (and they all betta stay away cuz you MY woman!)

Yes, there are men that won't date a chick that they're secretly diggin because she's big - and they don't wanna hear any sh*t from their boys. Sometimes men and women worry too much what their friends and other people will think if they have a thick chick or a short dude on their arm. Some dudes I know SAY they keep the thick chick as a cut buddy, when secretly that's the one they'd rather be with publicly, but are too shallow to admit it.

But like Brooke said, if they can't or don't want to date you because you're a little curvier, then later for those dudes - keep it movin! Plenty of dudes LOVE thick girls, and that's all they date, so give all your good love to them and leave the shallow dudes with the skinny bitches who have no personality and mad cuz they hungry (LOL@Yolanda!)

Rameer The Circumstance said...

It's been an AWFUL day for me. Just got in (sigh)...

Anyways, not much more to add that hasn't already been written. I think most men of color will mess with a thick chick -whether it be just for sex, wifey, whatever. Depends on the man and what he wants...and what the woman determines SHE wants from a relationship. Like Serena said - that girl was just IGNANT.

I will say this - I don't co-sign the fat girl hate on "skinny chicks". Just like it ain't cool for a "skinny chick" to hate on a plus-size girl, the same goes for fat girls who have the audacity to hate on a woman for being skinny, "normal" or in-shape.

I HATE when people (Monique comes to mind) talk greasy about someone like, say, Halle Berry like there's something wrong that she's in good shape. Hey - you may be comfortable in YOUR skin, but don't hate on someone who has a good physique just cuz you don't. I personally think that tends to be a weak-ass way to prop up one's already deflated sense of self-esteem.

For the record - my idea of FAT is how Monique USED to be; the chick from the film Precious also comes to mind. I don't think women like Dana Owens are fat. I never considered Lisa Nicole Carson from Jason's Lyric, "Ally McBeal and Eve's Bayou fat. I absolutely LOVE Jill Scott. I don't consider any of those women fat, but some people do. Fat to me is about looking like you have too much weight for your body, if that makes sense. Currently, Monique doesn't look like she has too much weight for her body.

But Star Jones back in the day - that chick was FAT. Lmao!

It's all relative. As all things...it's in the eye of the beholder.

Brooke said...

Rameer, your comment reminded me of Chris Rock in Kill the Messenger when he said it's okay to call women Skinny Bitches, but if a skinny girl called a girl fat, she's wrong ("food is NOT your friend!") LOL! And you're right, you can't condemn someone for being skinny anymore than someone can condemn someone else for being thick. It should only matter how you see yourself and if you're happy with it or not.

Serena W. said...

Skinny ignant chick needs a reality check and so does homeboy.

Once her sister accepts who she is from the inside as True Soul stated her confidence will shine.

But for all we know she could be confident, it was a conversation on the train.

Heck the sister might be jealous of her big sister and tears her down but talking about her outter appearance.

Big, little, whatever...true inner beauty is what rocks!

Same for a man, you can be drop dead gorgeous to my eyes but be the ugliest person I've met on the face of the planet. All because you don't know how to love yourself, walk around and tear other people down. Use and abuse your relationships. Now that is straight ugly!

Rameer The Circumstance said...

True story, Serena!

And yeah, Brooke-Ra - I just don't think it has to be "skinny vs. big". Jada Pinkett is fly as hell...and so is Jill Scott. There is no one shape or size that is THE attractive size - it all depends on the person and how you look.

Star Jones is yucky with or without the weight - lmao!

Stef said...

So Brooke, you were calling her a "skinny bitch" out of love, huh? LOL!!

Brooke said...

@Stef,

LOL! Yes :-) But I 1) I corrected myself and didn't complete the "B" word - but if I had, I would have been calling her that because she was acting like one towards her sister, not because she was skinny - and 2) I only noted that she was thin to illuminate her mindset and what traits she holds dear in a person - which clearly is weight/outer appearance driven.

Like Serena said, for all we know, this girl's sister might not be fat, ugly, or lack self esteem AT ALL. It may have all been told from HER misguided perspective. Her sister is probably fly as hell and she may just be jealous of her. Who knows...

I've had "friends" of mine wonder to me OUT LOUD why a guy who was tall and muscular or fit found ME attractive and not them - because they were thinner than me. But just because you have a "nice" body does't mean you have the personality to go with it...or even the face. A pretty girl is a pretty girl, no matter her size - and some men respond to pretty faces. Other men like big breasts. Some like a fat ass! Some like pretty feet. It's all about what YOU like or find attractive in the other person - truly the eye of the beholder. She might think her sister is fat, but I bet a lot of men find her sister to be stunning. Who is SHE to say?

Annamaria said...

Sorry I'm responding all late but I was trying to finish getting everything done since I'm leaving tomorrow.

ANYWHO: I'm a thin girl but one thing that I have ALWAYS noticed is 9 times out of 10 a thick girl has prettier face than a skinny chick. Secondly if a woman no matter what the size knows how to dress to compliment her body & with class she is beautiful..I've seen some big girls walk in the club & make me look at them just because of the way they carried themselves. A thick girl can be just as stunning as size 4 sometimes even more...

Serena...You forgot how Jill Scott's character ended up with the finest man in that movie....YUM

True Soul...your first comment doesn't count.. :)

And truth be told. I'm a tiny girl...BUT I felt my SEXIEST right before I gave birth. I LOVED my pregnant body. I loved the weight that I gained. I even loved my big belly...I haven't lost all the weight and I'm not even trying..I like it. I'm just working out to tone up & that's all I'm going to do..
For the record the "skinny" sister was probably a hater & her "FAT" sister was probably way better looking than her...
Brooke you should have shaken her...LOL or tased her...

P.S.-By tomorrow afternoon I will be in San Juan, PR!!!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

All I want to say is that I want to marry a plus size model with all the right qualities. D Brown

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