Brookey's Cafe Blog

Good morning and Happy Hump Day!

It's very dank in the NYC today. It's the kind of weather outside where it's not quite raining...more like spitting. You know, not enough precipitation to warrant an umbrella, but enough to annoy you. Yeah, it's like that outside today.

Maybe the weather is contributing to my mood, which I am working hard to change as I type. When something is weighing heavy on my mind, I tend to over-think, over-analyze and over-react. To get over this, I re-read Serena's blog about "Letting Go Of Yesterday," and I also re-read some inspirational passages she sent me. One of them says, "He who angers you controls you." How true. I've decided to take control back.

While I feel that I am a positive person and a good friend, I know that I am FAR from perfect in that area. I've had friends that have been my aces for over 15 years, and I have some who have been in my life a short time by comparison. I've had to apologize to ALL of them many times for things that I've done and things that I haven't done. When I value a friendship, the last thing I want to do is be responsible for hurting someone's feelings.

I've been told on many occasions that I am too sensitive. I can accept that in a lot of cases. But in most cases, it wasn't that I was reacting because I was too sensitive, but rather I was reacting because someone else was INsensitive. One thing I try to never do, especially where my friends are concerned, is dismiss their feelings. After all, feelings are feelings...and we can't always help when we're overcome by them. Even if I never intended to hurt someone, even when I have a perfectly good explanation for why they feel the way they do and yes, even when I think that they may be just a little too sensitive, I apologize for the hurt feelings they have anyway.

Last week I told you of a friend who hurt my feelings. Yesterday, that same friend told me that I didn't see how I was at fault for my hurt feelings. I'm not sure which hurts more, the hurt feelings...or the dismissal of those hurt feelings. It's like being slapped on the cheek, only to turn my face so that they can slap the other one. Instead of helping me understand or saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way"(even though she didn't mean to hurt me), she blamed me for how I felt. Wow.

Some see an apology as an admission of wrong doing. For me, most times an apology is simply an ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of someone else's feelings. That is all most of us really want - for someone to acknowledge how we feel. It's not hand holding, it's not catering and it's not beneath us. I will never be so full of myself to the point where I can never acknowledge a friend's feelings...no matter how big or small, wrong or right. If I love you, I will always care how you feel, and I will never blame a friend for feeling the way they do - whether I caused it or not. It's not about blame. In playing the blame game, we shift our own shortcomings to others and give ourselves opportunities to forgive the faults we can't bear to look at in ourselves.

I've decided to let it go. He who angers you controls you. Serena's blog reminds me that living in the past will only imprison me in the present, keeping me from moving forward. So it's squashed. Life shows us how to live and love by example. But it also teaches us by sending us relationships that challenge us to be loving. Our most difficult relationships offer us our greatest opportunities to grow in wisdom and openheartedness.

The difficulty we have in forgiving is underscored by the fact that we often would rather feel bad than forgive. Iyanla Vanzant says that "forgiveness (and letting go) is a pain reliever." It frees those who forgive, and it is the forgiver who benefits most. Serena sent me a Key Thought and a Prayer to pray, which I have done and will share. Both say:

KEY THOUGHT:

Jesus' words draw us to the values of our Heavenly Father. Rather than passively accepting evil, we are to overcome evil with good. We are to work redemption in the face of mistreatment like the suffering servant in Isaiah who suffers, serves, and redeems in the face of attack and ridicule. Jesus reminds us that we are to redeem rather than to try to get even. A slap on the cheek in Jesus' day was more a social insult than a physical injury. In our day, we seldom slap someone on the cheek to embarrass or humiliate that person. Instead, we shoot them a "zinger," cut them down sarcastically, or tell a joke at their expense. This is out of bounds for believers. Such talk does not accomplish the redemption God has called us to share with others.

TODAY'S PRAYER:

Holy and patient Father, please strengthen me so that I will look for ways to redeem those who shame and humiliate me. I know that vengeance will only poison my heart and alienate me from the insulting party. Give me grace to react with kindness even toward those who are unkind to me. In the name of the one who did not rebuke his accusers I pray.

All is forgotten, all is forgiven. I've let go, let God, and I have my control back. Thank you Serena!

Amen.

-b

Happy Christmas Eve!

About 2 years ago, my sister converted to Islam. She was afraid to tell me, afraid of what I might say or think. I was taken back at first, but not shocked. After all, she married a Muslim and they were raising my nephews to follow Islam. Even though he never told her she had to convert, I knew she was always interested in learning more about Islam. She never felt pressured, and every year she had a Christmas tree in her living room - he even cooked Christmas dinner. Married for 8 years, together for 10, he loved her - no matter who she called God. And I love her the same way. When we stand before God on Judgment Day, we stand alone. Who we pray to is our choice and our choice alone. If Islam brings her peace, then I support her. I will love her no matter who she worships.

Riding with her to pick up Kyce from school yesterday, she pointed out all the pretty houses decorated with wreaths, lights and fake reindeer on front lawns. "Wait til you see the one on the next corner, it's REALLY pretty," she says excitedly. We then hear Johnny Gill's rendition of a popular Christmas carol on the radio and we sing along. She still seems to enjoy this time of year, even though it's not "her holiday" anymore. So I ask, "do you miss Christmas?"

After all, this is the same younger sister who would wait up at night with me on Christmas Eve, excited at the chance to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus. This is the same younger sister who would be giddy when she opened gift after gift on Christmas morning. One Christmas, we each received 4 Barbie Dolls - so my sister wound up with 8 because I didn't play with dolls. That was one of her favorite Christmases.

With so many memories to share, how could she NOT miss Christmas?

"No, not really...I don't really miss it," she says. I accept that. But then she continues, "If anything, I feel bad that you don't really have Christmas because you're at my house and there's no tree...I feel bad more that YOU don't have Christmas."

I think about that for a moment.

Yes, it would be nice to take my nephews to go see Santa at the mall and watch them sit on a creepy man's lap. Kyce LOVES all the lights and asks my mother, "Nana, are you having Christmas?" I'm not sure if he gets why he doesn't celebrate Christmas - he just knows there's a gazillion commercials on tv advertising toys, toys, toys and more toys. He knows something is going on. So yes, I'd love to see the excitement in his eyes as he bakes cookies for Santa. I'd love to help them compose letters to old St. Nick telling him what good boys they were. I would love to see them in a festive outfit in church, singing hymns and re-enacting Mary and Joseph with baby Jesus in a manger. But I will never share that with my nephews. Maybe I will with my best friends' children, but not with Kyce and Ibrahim.

Do I miss celebrating Christmas with my sister? Absolutely. But is the magic gone? No, not really. There is just something about Christmas Eve.

The first half of Christmas Eve is pure crazy with people rushing to finish their shopping, work or whatever has to be done before Christmas Day. But about the time the sun goes down, I begin to feel like it’s a holiday. Stores begin to close and a quiet peacefulness sets in. In this peace, I am reminded of what the holiday means.

Christmas means that Jesus was born for me. I am here because of His grace and mercy. It is because of Him that I am able to wake up every morning, with a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat and blessings to share. It is because of Him that I am able to spend time with those I love. It is because He was born that I am saved. There is magic in that. Not just on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but EVERY day.

I don't need a tree or presents to remind me of the true meaning of Christmas. I don't need to see my nephews dressed up as reindeer, baking cookies for Santa or opening gifts to feel that "feeling." With the love of my family and friends, Christmas is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

However and wherever you celebrate this year, or even if you don’t celebrate at all, I hope that you find peace, hope and joy - and yes...magic.

-b