Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Tuesday!

Dear Brookey,

I've recently met a man that I really like. He seems to like me too and he's said that he'd like to be in a relationship, but I think he's unsure of me as a possible mate. I cook for him, help him clean his place and show him I can take care of him and would be an asset to him, but he hasn't given me any indications as to if he'd like to seal the deal and be in a committed relationship with me. How do I convince him that I'm a keeper? What do men see as "wifey" material as opposed to just a girl they date for a while and then move on? I'm ready to go to the next level. Any advice?

-Wifey Material

Dear Wifey Material,

My first bit of advice to you would be to stop cooking and cleaning and catering to this man. That's absolute foolishness. Why are you doing all of this for a man who isn't YOUR man? I understand that you want to show him that you would make a good wife one day, but you're not even this man's girlfriend. You're just dating, so there's no reason you should be folding his boxer briefs and cleaning his bathroom. That's just crazy talk.

Now, before I appear to come off as being harsh, I understand having a nurturing nature. I'm the same way...and I had to learn when to turn it on and turn it off. I don't mind feeding a man. If you look like you're starving, if I can hear your stomach growling like DMX and your stomach is touching your spine, then it won't kill me to hook you up a turkey and cheese sandwich. If you're a guest in my house, I'll cook for you...no problem. But you shouldn't be doing all these things to GET a man - even if it might help KEEP him.

I've found that if a man genuinely likes you, then your cooking and cleaning abilities won't really matter that much. Sure, a man likes a woman who can fry up a steak and keep a nice, clean place for him to lay his head....but if he's really feeling you, those are things he can learn to work around. I know plenty of "non-domestic" women who have men who happily will cook for them or take them out to dinner every night, and who have no problem doing both of their laundry. Some things just click.

But my MAIN reason for telling you to stop doing what you're doing is not because I'm some mean b*tch who doesn't want you to have a man - it's because you're mothering him. And last time I checked, most REAL men don't want to date or sleep with their mothers. And if they DO have mommy issues where they want a woman to take care of them, then you have bigger problems. Who wants a man like that? Save the mothering for any future children you might have, not for the man you're "kinda dating."

If a man isn't committing to you, it's because he doesn't WANT to. It's really just that simple. You can't (and shouldn't be trying t0) convince a man to want to settle down with you. By cooking and cleaning and trying to show him that you're worth keeping, you're doing his emotional work for him. Don't try to trick this man into "wifing" you, because it'll backfire on you every time. You can't trick a man into committing to you, and going overboard by waiting on him hand and foot cancels out his manhood and enables further dysfunction if he has mommy issues.

He's probably enjoying all that you're doing for him, but he's probably taking you for granted as well. If he doesn't show his appreciation, or keeps giving you the runaround, that means he's enjoying the fruits of your labor without having to commit to you. He'll continue to eat up all your food and rest his head on your clean bed until he finds a woman he really wants to be with...who probably can't even boil water. Then you'll feel used and wonder why he didn't choose you.

You wonder why? I'll tell you why.

Because most grown men have the ability to take responsibility for his own thoughts, feelings and actions - and he settles down when he's good and damn ready. No amount of cooking and cleaning and catering to him will change that. Stop thinking that if you don't do this and that for him that he'll leave you...because if he really cares for you, nothing or no one can tear him away from you. And if you stop cooking for him and cleaning his place and he DOES bounce, then you know he isn't the man for you.

Stay in your lane and let him do some things for YOU for a change. Make him prove to YOU that he's a keeper. You haven't mentioned any reasons why you should want him...only reasons why he should want you. If you stopped wiping down the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom and baking cakes long enough to take a serious look, you may discover that he's not really worth all this "wifey" treatment. Let him come into your lane for a bit and you sit back and enjoy the ride for a change. If he doesn't reciprocate, then slow down and re-evaluate what you want and see if it's in alignment with his wants/expectations.

What a man considers to be "wifey" material varies from man to man - it's all relative. Sure, every man wants a woman who has the ability to coook and clean, and those are great traits to have. But make sure that cooking and cleaning aren't the only assets you have to offer. Some men also want a woman who can stimulate their minds, or who will watch Seinfeld with them and laugh at all their jokes. Some want a woman who they can watch the game with or talk politics with. It's all about which traits they find attractive - and to some, having a great personality and awesome sense of humor are more important than how well you can make a cheesecake and/or wash the dishes.

Either way, stop playing a wife before you ARE one, and don't try to be his mother. Tell him to cook YOU dinner and pick up his own damn socks. Your name ain't Kizzy. Stop it.

-b

TGIF!

This work week seemed long to me for some reason, so I'm glad it's finally over! Now on to the weekend! Enjoy!

1. If your significant other was having phone or cyber sex with someone else in another state, would you consider that cheating?

2. What article of clothing do you find to be sexy?

3. What one word would describe the most pleasurable night you've had?

4. Ice cubes or hot wax? Honey or chocolate?

5. Someone you've been dating for 6 months buys you an expensive gift. You can tell he/she is WAY more into you than you are into them, but you like them...enough. Do you keep the gift, or do you refuse to accept it so that they don't think the relationship is more serious than it is?

6. Are you a person who remembers and celebrates "milestone" dates when in a relationship, ie: "our first date," our first kiss," "the first time we had sex," "the first time we said 'I love you'" - or do you simply celebrate his/her birthday and major holidays? If so, do you expect your partner to do the same?

7. Your fiance(e) suggests you both sign pre-nuptial agreements - do you agree?

8. You've been dating someone for the past 6 months and you're really into them. Everything is going great, but one day they come clean and admit that they've cheated in previous relationships. Do you retreat and run, or do you continue dating because they were honest about their past infidelity and hope they've changed their ways?

9. Would you ever date anyone who's been in prison or is a recovering alcoholic?

10. You and your boo discuss moving in together. Do you open a joint bank account for expenses, or do you keep separate accounts and just agree that one will pay certain bills and the other will pay the rest?

Go!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

The sun and warm weather are back! Yay!

Miss Lylah Lylah sent this to me today and I wanted to share. I know we've all heard this before, but I never tire of it:

“You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure about you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.”~ Nelson Rockefeller.

- I think I'm going to try Fantasy Football again this year. Rameer created a league on Yahoo, but it sounds a bit complicated. I may just autodraft and figure it out along the way :-)

- I'm so happy football is back! I'm already scheduled to go to two games this year, one in the new Giants Stadium. Or should I call it the Meadowlands Stadium since they share it with the Jets? Whichever, I'm in there!

- Speaking of the Jets, is anyone watching Hard Knocks on HBO? Is it getting kinda boring, or is it just me?

- Wish I was going to the "Rock the Bells" concert this Saturday :-( I wanna see L-Boogie. Anyone got an extra ticket? ;-)

- I WILL be at Yankee Stadium for Jay-Z and Em though, can't wait!

- I'm sick of hearing about the "Ground Zero" mosque. Get over it people.

- I think Deebo loves us, which is why he keeps extending our training. He's a gem! Even though he DID tell me that the reason I haven't had a "real" boyfriend in 7 years is because I have a "smart mouf." The nerve.

- Wow, 7 years. That's crazy...not sure yet if that's a good or bad thing though.

- If you love Entourage, check DMoe's blog on CNN.com!

- Don't forget to donate to Mo's page!

- Do we care if Shaq is supposedly dating "Hoopz?"

- On the radio this morning, the Hot 97 talent was asking why gay/lesbian people (read: Queen Latifah allegedly) don't come out already. Why do we care? Do we need the confession?

- My two new favorite fragrances: Versace's Bright Crystal and Armani's Aqua Di Gio for women. And I'm not a fragrance person - but I LOVE a great smelling man!

- To spin, or not to spin tonight? - that is the question.

- Two more beach weekends left, gotta make the most of them!

- Brian is back, and so is his Throwback Joint for today!



Go!

-b

Happy Monday!

Rain, rain, go away, please come back another day! I got SOAKED this morning...and I had an umbrella! Just ridiculous.

I figured I'd check my emails and Facebook while I let the heater under my desk dry off my saturated pants legs. I scroll down to read a FB status that read "I have no words." I click on the video to find a little girl dancing to Ciara's "Ride." Take a look:



I'd beat her ass...but back to that in a sec.

I remember shopping in Old Navy for Baby Sophia for her birthday. There were kids running around crazy in the toddler section, and their parents were seemingly oblivious to their little terrors. One little girl ran right into me and I was forced to give her the stern "Girl, you lucky you not my kid cuz I'd whoop you into next week" look. But my stern look quickly turned into one of wide-eyed disbelief. This little girl had on a bikini top and a mini skirt with flip flops. What the...???

I realized that more and more when I shop in stores like Old Navy and Gap Kids, I see clothes that are more "suggestive" than in the past for little girls. Tube/halter tops, mini skirts, even hot pants - that's what these little girls are wearing now. I don't think I was allowed to wear a mini skirt or a halter top til I was over 16, and even THEN my mom had final say over my wardrobe. The first time I bought a skirt with my own money that was slightly above my knee, my mom and aunts told me my "legs were hanging out" and to go change my clothes - so back to jeans and sweats for me...or the longer skirts I wore for church.

I say all that to say that the hyper-sexualization (is that a word?) of our culture today has made it so that little girls want to be "hot," rather than cute or pretty - and finding a cute top and jeans for a toddler that doesn't have pink glitter all over it is getting a little more difficult. I feel that little girls nowadays are trained to be sexy before they even understand what "sexy" is. And my fear is that they won't have a chance to discover their sexuality in an organic way.

Sure, we've seen videos of little ones dancing to "Single Ladies," and I'm pretty sure the girl dancing to Ciara's "Ride" doesn't know what she's riding exactly (at least I hope not). No matter how disturbing it is to watch at any age, some would argue that it's harmless because they're only emulating what they see, they don't actually "know" what they're doing.

But isn't that the problem?

What happens when they turn 12 and their hormones start raging? Suddenly, the disconnect between a sexual dance move they learned in a music video and their real life desires starts "connecting" really fast. That early awareness of "sexiness" might make them a little more assertive sexually before they're ready to be (thus the term "fast ass little girls") and the consequences could be harmful, even deadly.

Back to the girl in the video: Performing a dance to a song that implies lust without actually "feeling" that lust suggests that the the goal is to be desired. But at that age, you have no idea what that means. At 5 years old, you can't explore what being desired actually feels like. There are some ADULTS who still don't understand their sexuality and haven't explored their desires in order to grow into them naturally. At 16 I didn't know what I wanted. At 22 I didn't know what I wanted. At 37, I feel comfortable enough now to be free with my desires without compromising myself, and no one can dictate that for me. I am in control of my sexual self, and can ask for and receive my own pleasure based on what I want, not what I see or what society tells me I should "be."

It's difficult enough trying to navigate a pre-teen or a teenager's ever changing mood swings, body changes and emerging sexuality without making them feel weird, embarrassed or uncomfortable. It's a confusing time. So introducing "sexy" to them at an early age blurs the lines between "too damn grown too young" and puberty. I don't know who or where this girl's parents are, but there's no way this "dance" should have been recorded and this video should NOT be up on the web to be seen as something "cute." It's NOT cute. This little girl should've never been able to see a Ciara video, let alone be allowed to mimic her moves. It's the parents' job to keep their child off the pole.

If I ever have a little girl, I’d want her to stay a little girl until she's ready to appropriately identify and express her own sexuality and desires. I know she'll have those feelings one day, it's unavoidable. But I'd want my kids - male or female - to grow into a strong, confident sexuality all their own. Grinding to Ciara's "Ride" is not the way to do that.

-b