Brookey's Cafe Blog

Happy Hump Day!

Someone challenged me to name 20 things that most people don't know about me. Being that I consider myself an open book, I had a hard time with this. But here are 15 - that's all I could do!

1. I was born in Japan. A lot of people knew that about me, but apparently a lot of people didn't. Because of that, I've always wanted to learn to speak Japanese and go back to visit one day...and I will. My dad was in the military and my mother went with him...so there you have it.

2. I have a tattoo on my second right toe - an ivy leaf.

3. I'm terrified of snakes, sharks and falling down the steps.

4. My middle name is Danielle. My mother wanted to name me Tracy, but my grandmother told her to name me Brook(e) - after her favorite singer Brook Benton. I was named after a man - and I would have been a "Brook(e) whether I was a boy or a girl. I LOVE my name...but I've never met my maternal grandmother :-(

5. I like doing laundry and I love the smell of clean clothes. I just hate putting them away.

6. I secretly wish I could pole dance. Don't judge me :-)

7. I'd love to write a book one day. But I'm afraid to. I'm either afraid it'll suck and I'll never write anything again...or that it'll be great and I won't be able to write anything as good afterwards. I know...totally ridiculous. I just have to do it...but I'm skerred!

8. I love roller coasters, but haven't been on one in years. Free Fall scares the bjeezus out of me though!

9. I want to run a marathon one day, but I have bad knees. I guess I can walk it.

10. I'm the biggest procrastinator in the world, but I do my best work under pressure.

11. When I was younger, I was ambidextrous.

12. I'm addicted to Gap boy shorts. They're so soft! Now I just need a booty to fill them out :-)

13. Other careers I've secretly wished I could do: Forward in the WNBA, author, chef, radio personality, or DJ at a club.

14. My breasts are slightly lopsided. Not totally noticeable...but I notice it.

15. I suffer migraines - and they're almost always triggered by changes in temperature.

Now...name 10 things we might not know about you! Go!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

Dear Brookey,

I have a dating dilemma I'd like your opinion on. I've been seeing a guy for about 6 months now and he recently brought up the subject of living together. Since we've met, we've been inseparable. I'm always at his place or he's always at mine. We both have VERY high rents (living in NYC will do that to you) and he said we should consider it for "practical reasons." We've never even gone on vacation together, so would moving in after only 6 months be too soon? We have both expressed our love for one another, but is that enough to move in? What say you?

**Disclaimer: I've never lived with a man and I'm not a relationship expert**

That being said, I think you should wait a while. There are a couple reasons why I say this. Even though I don't know you personally or any details about your relationship, two things struck me - 1) "for practical reasons" and 2) "we've never even gone on vacation together."

Let's start with number 1. Living in NYC, I understand completely the financial reasons why a couple might want to consider living together. One rent/mortgage, shared utilities, more money to do other things together (like go on vacation) are attractive reasons to want to shack up. However, when most people decide to live together, it's more about seeing if the relationship is ready to move on to the next level. You've told each other that you love each other, but is that enough? I've never lived with a man, but I'd assume moving in together would symbolize a commitment to each other and plans for the future. While I agree that living together is a practical option finance-wise, it may not always be the best thing for a blooming relationship if you aren't on the same page about the reasons. You might think he wants you to move in because it means he's leaning towards marriage, when really, he just wants to save money for a new flat screen TV and an XBox. Not cool. Sometimes saving money isn't worth falling into the toilet late at night because he didn't put the seat back down, listening to him snore every night or any other annoying habit you discover you can't live with after you've move in...which brings me to number 2.

2. I'm not saying going on vacation with someone will tell you all that you need to know about a person, but I DO suggest going away for even a long weekend just to see how that goes first. Diving head first into living together might be overwhelming, so I'd say take baby steps. Not everyone's vacation-with-their-boo experience is the same, but I'll clue you in to some things I've discovered while on vacation with a dude.

- Everyone poops. You can't avoid it if you're on vacation with someone unless you're just walking around toxic. We all KNOW that everyone does it, but you don't have to see (or smell) it when you each have your own place. It's more than that though. There are just some things that are left to the imagination when you're seeing someone but don't see them everyday. We never see him shave his chest hair, he never sees us wax our mustache...or any other body part. He's not around to see us in the fetal position when we have cramps during that time of the month, and we don't see him sitting on the couch scratching his balls. We only show our beautiful, clean- shaven, charming selves when we go visit. But when you live together, there are just somethings he or she will see...and I think getting a glimpse of that on vacation gives you an idea if you can stomach living with someone.

- We might get sick of each other. It rarely happened, but there were times I just wanted to say "can you please go somewhere...away from me?" When you're on an island and can't get away from someone, that'll give you an idea of what sharing an apartment is like. Okay, maybe not an apartment, but you know what I mean. If they get on your nerves and you live apart, you can simply go back to your place and not answer the phone. You can't do that when you live together...you just have to go into another room. At least if you go on vacation together and you can't escape, you'll be able to determine if he or she is someone you can stand being around ALL the time. Spending time together 24/7 can either make or break you. However....

- If you don't get sick of each other, that's a GOOD thing. Because you didn't fight or get tired of each others' company (depending on how long the vacation lasted), it can move the relationship needle a little farther. If the vacation brought you closer together rather than becoming a vacation-turned-torture trip, it can reinforced your compatibility...making moving in together more attractive of an idea.

- We might not bone every day. I mean...most times we DID bone everyday, but that's just me ;-) But spending a week together made me realize that when you live together or you're married, it's inevitable that couples stop doing it every single day. While I dread that thought, it's totally OK not to have sex every day all day long, so long as it's still done on a regular basis. Usually when we got back from vacation, we didn't have sex the next few times we saw each other - because we were too damned tired! It wasn't because we were tired of each other or not attracted to each other, but rather because we were exhausted, or busy with work...or just didn't feel like it. I like to cuddle and hug and kiss...and I realized it's OK to skip a hump day once in a while. Just one though ;-)

When you live together, you probably will see some things you wish you hadn't, you'll probably want your own space sometimes, you probably won't have sex every day, and you might not like each other ALL the time - and BOTH of you need to be cool with that. I say all that to say, manage your expectations and be realistic about what you think living together means. If you both love each other and have discussed where your relationship is going and you're both on the same page - then go for it! But if money is the sole reason you're considering shacking up, then I'd say think it over some more...and have the discussion again in another 6 months if you feel the same way about each other. And go on vacation already!

Again...I am not a relationship expert, so feel free to weigh in. Go!

-b

Happy Monday!

So yes...we're gonna chat about Chris Brown...again. I didn't watch the BET Awards in its entirety last night, but I turned the channel just in time to catch Chris Brown's tribute to Michael Jackson. If you missed it, take a look:



Say what you want to say about Chris Brown - but he KILLED that performance! Every step, crotch grab, moonwalk, glide was ON POINT! I was with him all the way...until.

"Is he CRYING?" I said out loud.

Yep, he was crying.

At first I thought "gimme a break!" I thought he was doing it for sympathy and cool points. Was he distraught over MJ's passing, or was he reflecting on the words of the song he was supposed to sing? After all, Man in the Mirror starts off, "I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life...." Maybe the words grabbed a hold of his heart and he couldn't shake them enough to get them out. As he fell to the ground, I started thinking maybe he WAS in agony, feeling the pain of someone who's had to look in the mirror for the past year and a half and work his way back.

Articles I read this morning, bloggers, and even the ladies of The View wondered if Chris Brown was "faking it." But as DMoe pointed out this morning, "when you're blowing snot bubbles, that sh*t is real!" Hey, after all...the man is human.

No one has to like anyone for any reason. If you believe Chris Brown is a jerk because he's a woman beater, then that's your right. It seems we relinquish forgiveness to a God somewhere outside of ourselves, until it's time for us to ask for forgiveness. Although we're all fully qualified to forgive, we do it when it suits us. We can give forgiveness freely or withhold it...but we'll ALL have to ask for it one day.

Too many times we see our lives as one big drama unfolding frame by frame like a movie. But unlike film, we can't edit out the scenes that don't fit the picture we think our lives should reflect. Every frame counts, every take is a good one. How we view them is up to us. I'm sure Chris Brown would love to edit out many scenes of his life, just like the rest of us would. But every person in our experience who has hurt us, or whom we've hurt, is a frame in our film - a part of our life, whether we like it or not. We can see each frame as a defeat, or we can view each hurt and misfortune as an integral part of the entire film.

Each frame shows us how to live and love by example. Each mistake teaches us a lesson and challenges us with our greatest opportunity to grow. I'm not saying anyone has to forgive anybody for anything. But bitterness, like love, creates after its kind. When we criticize and condemn others, we wound ourselves - and our resentment rarely disturbs the person who "offended" us...but rather it destroys the host. Forgiveness is a pain reliever - it frees those who forgive...and the forgiver benefits most. "Judge not, condemn not." Easier said than done, right?

Usually pangs of conscience are self inflicted and private. But Chris Brown showed us last night that moments from our past that we'd like to erase don't always come back to us in moments of quiet reflection...but can haunt us at any time. But the deeper truth of his meltdown is that that could be any of us. We all have our regrets - some secret guilt or private embarrassment that we've carried around inside...maybe for years. It may be something we said or did to someone we love, someone we've long lost touch with, someone who remembers the person we were back then rather than the person we've grown to be...unaware of how we've changed.

The wisest thing we can do is to always choose love, because it heals everything in its path. Ask the Spirit to give us a forgiving heart - and give people a chance or the benefit of the doubt...no matter how painful it may be. Staying in the light, even when we don't want to, is the key to self-mastery - and as we forgive, so are we forgiven.

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

It's hot as the devil with gasoline drawz on! But I love it!

- Summer is officially here! Who's going to the beach with me!?

- Time to start swimming. Have to put that in the rotation when we're not with Deebo.

- Please be careful at the beaches - especially if you can't swim. Even people who CAN swim are getting caught in rip tides and drowning. If you get caught in one, let the current take you out, then swim parallel to the beach away from the rip tide...and then swim back in. RIP to the 12 year old girl who drowned earlier this week.

- And why in the HELL are teachers taking kids to the beach??? Especially when there are no life guards on duty and there are signs everywhere letting them KNOW there are no life guards! That's ridiculous. Someone has to answer for that.

- Chris Rock is on The View...he's hilarious to me :-)

- I want to have a three hour massage like Al Gore did. Is a three hour massage a massage...or is that a date?

- Chris Rock said people lose the desire to have sex when they get married. That CAN'T ALWAYS be true. If that's the case, I'll take my time looking for Mr. Right...cuz jeeze! I hope I'm the exception to that rule.

- Oh...and I need my Pleasure Party package to come...asap! :-)

- Braids gotta come out this weekend. They're beating my brains out.

- I wish I knew what Chris Rock was saying to Kobe during this game of the Finals. Kobe didn't hear anything - FOCUSED. I bet Chris was funny as hell though! :-)



- Should LT have been indicted?

- Jill Scott KILLED it last weekend at the Maxwell concert. Maxwell was his usual yummy self, but Jilly from Philly tore that mic UP!

- Brian's RTT Throwback!



Go!

-b

Dear Brookey,

I know this is going to sound pathetic, but I feel like I have a weird dating dilemma. Men that I’m interested in always seem to be interested in one of my friends instead of me. I know that I have great, beautiful girlfriends with a lot of personality, but I’m no slouch either. Yet every dude I like always seems to tell me that he’s interested in my friend just as I’m about to tell him that I like him or ask him for his number. What am I doing wrong?

Second Best

Dear “Second Best,”

First of all, if you believe that you’re second best – that’s exactly what you’ll be. Stop calling yourself that, because it’ll become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Next, maybe you should start going out alone to meet men, or with a different group of friends. Your friends can’t help who is attracted to them, so perhaps you’d feel better mixing it up a bit. You don’t have to integrate your friends with everything you do or everywhere you go. When you go out alone, you look confident, and maybe more approachable. And if there’s no competition around, you’ll know that if a man approaches you, he’s interested in YOU and not one of your pesky, super cute friends :-) Being alone almost forces you to meet people….cuz what else are you going to do just sitting or standing there by yourself? If your girls aren’t there, then you won’t be constantly worrying about who’s NOT looking at you and who’s looking for the “cute one” in the group – so with less distractions, you’re more likely to just be yourself and get all the attention.

Note: If you DO go out alone, take a book with you or be doing something. You don’t want to look like the psycho with no friends. And don’t get wasted at the bar because you think drinking alone makes you look “intriguing.” Have ONE drink (during the week, not on the weekend) and spark some friendly conversation with the guy sitting next to you and be your charming self :-)

You may not think so, but you may be giving off a certain vibe around your friends who seem to be more outgoing. If they’re not thinking about the next guy who may come up to them, then perhaps that’s what makes them seem more attractive. Nothing is more of a turnoff than a man or woman who looks like they’re waiting for someone to approach them. When men and women are in their own world having a good time, they look happier, and therefore more attractive. Stop worrying so much about the men and simply enjoy the time out with your friends.

And maybe some extra flirting might help too. Take a look at how your friends behave when they’re out. Are they flirty? Fun? Do they laugh a lot? What signals are they giving off that maybe you can take a queue from? Nothing is wrong with a little friendly competition – so if you can’t beat 'em…steal their moves! I’m not saying don’t be your lovely self – I’m just saying do what they do and put your own sexy spin on it. Do it BETTER!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

So I was watching The View today, and DL Hughley was one of the guest co-hosts. He said a few things that I found to be interesting...and I wanted to get your take on it.

First, he said that "intelligence is over-rated" when it comes to dating and marriage. Basically, he said that if a woman has big breasts and is quiet, he could fall in love with her. "I love you, I promise you I do!" were his exact words :-)

He also said that all women want a rich man. He made the point that not all women will get one, and noted that we'd still marry a non-rich man if we're in love - but according to him, all women WANT one.

Joy Behar objected to that, and said it was just as easy to fall in love with a poor man as it was to fall in love with a rich one. That may be true...but which would you prefer?

The basic topic of discussion was about what we seek in a partner and why. Men want to be with a beautiful woman, no matter how "smart" she may be, and women want to be with a man who can provide for her and her family, no matter how smart he is...or in some (most) cases...even what he looks like. Agree?

It was suggested that women have an inherent need or desire to seek a man who can provide for her and her family. Women instinctively want to be protected and cared for - so it's in our "nature" to seek out the alpha male who can provide and protect - and in most cases, that means money. My question to you all is - do you believe that to be true - and if so, at what point does wanting a man to provide for you turn into "gold digging?"

It was also suggested that men don't necessarily care how intelligent a woman is, especially if she's beautiful. DL said men need women to appreciate them and make them feel good about themselves; and as long as she cheers him on and validates him, she doesn't necessarily need to work or be smart. He will gladly be "the man" as long as he has someone beautiful to come home to who makes him feel like "the man" that he is.

So tell me...what say you? Any truth to ANY of this - or is it all nonsense? Or a bit of both. Let's hear it!

Go!

-b