Brookey's Cafe Blog

TGIF!!!

Instead of my Friday Sexy Survey, I thought I’d attempt to define something that really has different meanings for most of us. Someone asked me earlier this week if I could write a blog asking the question – “What is Human Nature?” He’s writing a thesis on the subject, and wanted to get our input on what it means to us.

At first, I dismissed even attempting to define something so broad and so unique to us all. Since all humans are different, human nature can mean anything depending on the individual, right? In simple terms, “human nature” is the basis of character, the temperament and disposition of a person; that indestructible matrix upon which character is built, and whose shape it must take and keep throughout life. This is a person’s nature.

A person’s nature can take on the worst traits of humankind (vengefulness, cruelty, jealousy, hatred, arrogance) or the best traits of humankind (love, compassion, thoughtfulness, kindness, humility). Depending on what messages we absorb around us, our nature could be anything. We sometimes seek and are in need of something outside of ourselves to define our nature and make us whole. They say the BASIC nature of a person, once formed, cannot be changed – and we resist change, almost to the point where we try to make others conform to US.

But if human nature were the work of man it would require a great deal of rectification. Yet since it is created by God, we can be assured that it is potentially God-like. In fact, human nature and Divine Nature are analogous. To me, though human, we are the incarnation of the Spirit, a reflection of a Divine light. The great challenge for each of us is to let go of our limited view of ourselves and trust the intimations of our soul – the “human nature” that whispers to us “you are an expression of God.” We focus outward to define our nature when the beauty we long for is already within us.

When God said He would make man in His image, most times we’ve mistaken those words to mean God was re-created in MAN’S image and likeness. But it was not the “man” - with all his flaws - that God created in his image. We were made in the likeness of God in that, through love, we can create; through love we can be fruitful and multiply; and through love, we can return to that Divine place that is the beginning.

The oneness of God, out of love, gave itself away and divided itself into duality throughout all creation. And just as in the unique features of every face, every eye sees from its own angle. Human nature, because it’s divine, is unique and manifests itself in infinite variety. Our nature was breathed into us, brought into the world by words spoken by the Spirit, and should be nurtured by us. The power is yours. The best of human nature is yours to create.

Have a great weekend!

RIP Kevin Mitchell

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

There is still time to join Serena's team and walk or run on behalf of Ovarian Cancer on Mother's Day weekend. The race is Saturday, May 8th in Reston, VA at 8am. Out of her $500 goal, they have raised $460!!! They're almost there, and every little bit helps!

Just go to this link - and click "Join the Team." Your $25 donation will go towards their goal.

Not in the area? Well, you can click on the link and donate either to the general team page or one of the four members that are running or walking. GO TEAM!

Now...

- I always find it funny (and curious) when I hear some Latinos speak with a heavy Spanish accent, but they can't actually speak Spanish. What's THAT about?

- Is it me, or are people becoming increasingly more rude in the street? Bumping into you, no apology or "excuse me"? Or the old ladies who practically knock you over to get on the train before you do just to get a seat. Really?

- Did anyone see Oprah's interview with Todd Bridges yesterday? Whoa. So sad.

- It needs to get warm outside...and STAY warm! Like..now.

- Can't wait to go to DR - 29 more days!

- I always make my lunch and never want it the next day. I'll eat it anyway though :-(

- I want to lose 15 lbs in May. Ambitious goal, but I'm gonna do it - so Deebo better work it!

- He trained us last night even though it wasn't our training night. He's awesome, but he liked to kill us!

- Did I mention Deebo knows how to dance salsa? He's the dancing trainer :-)

- Fury, are you blogging for me on TMI Tuesday? It's NEXT Tuesday, so let me know!

- And NO Fury, you're not allowed to get your "Tiger Woods on." :-)

- Brian told me about this song last night and I had no idea what he was talking about until I looked it up. Wow...talk about kickin' it old skool!



- Are the Bucks about to eliminate the Hawks in the NBA playoffs? Interesting....

- Speaking of playoffs, remember this shot from the 2009 Cavs/Magic game 2? I was watching this laying on a bed with Martha and DMoe while a party was going on in DR last year...



And to show I'm a good sport...for you Rameer :-)



- Mayweather or Mosely?

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

So, if you were listening to Hot97 this morning, maybe you heard the "He Said, She Said" feature they do daily. Today's dilemma was something along the lines of a woman feeling like she should only have sex when she wants to - and if he wants to and she doesn't...then oh well. He said he felt like it was her "obligation" to satisfy him since he's her man. She feels that since she's the "breadwinner," she don't have to do SHIZNIT of she doesn't feel like it!

But does one have to do with the other? I don't think so.

I think the bigger question is: are you obligated to satisfy your partner at all times, even if you have a headache, Aunt Flo is in town, or if you're just plain tired?

Now, I don't think this would even be a question for me...or an issue. It's very rare that I'm not in the mood, and if I'm not...it doesn't take much to GET me in the mood. But if you're with someone who has a very different sex drive than you do, this can be a problem.

So, while you all tell me if you are OBLIGATED to satisfy your partner sexually, I'll list some benefits to having sex....even when you don't want to.

1. If you have sex at least twice a week you will look at least 5 years younger. This has been discovered by English researchers who compared couples who have sex regularly and couples of the same age who prefer sexual abstinence. Couples having regular sex looked much younger than their actual age, while those who opposed sex looked their age at best. There is just one disclaimer though: in order for the body and soul to be young you should have sex with a regular sex partner who you care about rather than sleeping around.

2. Exercising in bed is a pleasant alternative to exhausting exercise in the gym. There has been a study done proving that 26 minutes of having sex with climaxing at the end burns all the calories you consume by eating an entire pizza! The study even said the simple jaw exercise of unhooking a woman's bra with your teeth burns 86 kilocalories right away. Imagine how many calories you burn doing "other" jaw exercises ;-)

3. Hormones serotonin and oxytocin produced during orgasm help get rid of insomnia. Both of these hormones have a relaxation effect and serve as a great sleeping pill. This explains why the moans of ecstasy and bliss are quickly replaced with the steady breathing of sleep.

4. Unfortunately, with age, men hesitate to have sex, which is too bad since regular sex life actually helps men to maintain potency, stay in good shape and have a good mood.

5. Bad mood is also a reason to have sex. During sexual intercourse, endorphin is produced - which is the hormone that stimulates good moods and optimistic perception of the surrounding world. That is the reason why sex relieves stress and improves your mood. Endorphins' effects are multiplied by the hormones serotonin, cortisol and dopamine, which actively fight depression and cause the after-sex euphoria.

6. The skin of sexually active women is smooth and silky. A regular sex life increases the production of collagen protein, which is the element that improves the skin metabolism, moisturizes the skin, and makes its surface smooth and soft. You are unlikely to see the face of a sexually active woman covered in pimples...so I'd do it for that reason alone :-)

7. It turns out that women that enjoy giving oral sex have easier and more enjoyable pregnancies than those women who prefer traditional means of lovemaking. There has been an experiment performed by Australian scientists on a hundred women - the results of which were that regular intimate relationships before pregnancy - and especially oral sex - help a woman's immune system get used to the partner's sperm. Most inconveniences during the nine months of expecting are caused by the struggle of the mother's immune system with the foreign body or fetus. However, if the husband and wife's bodies "communicated" a lot on the sexual oral level, the woman's body is more likely to accept the new "guest" without causing any issues. Sounds like a man came up with these results if you ask me ;-)

8. Male hormone pheromones normalize the woman's hormonal balance. A weekly portion of this substance eliminates any menstrual cycle abnormalities. Hmm...do I believe that? maybe....

9. Out of all the known sedatives sex is the most pleasant and healthy. During the climax, the tensed muscles contract intensively which leads to absolute relaxation. During this time, the person not only completely relaxes physically...but also mentally. This is exactly the reason why people who have satisfying sex lives are more friendly and content than those who avoid the pleasures of sex. Now THAT makes perfect sense to me :)

10. Sex with the person you love is a great medicine against migraines. It definitely helps American women according to a study conducted by Illinois scientists on 50 sexually active women suffering from migraines. Every fourth of them had a noticeable reduction of a headache after each sexual encounter, and every eighth woman had a headache go away completely. I get migraines, so I need to have sex for no other reason than to get rid of them!

11. Sex is the best prevention of prostate inflammation and cancer, both of which lead to a decline of male's sexual abilities. Regular ejaculation for a man is not only the pleasurable moment of orgasm, but also the emptying of the prostate gland, which is the required condition for its health.

12. A passionate and sensual woman who has sex often is very likely to have an ideal flat stomach - which is no wonder since the movement of the penis inside the vagina and the muscle contractions at the moment of orgasm are a great exercise for your abdomen. Strong pelvic muscles not only keep your abs in great shape, but also your back. Therefore "exercising" in bed replaces any diets. And here I am killing myself in the gym with Deebo!

13. Sex is a great stimulant of the immune system. Those who have sex once or twice a week have 30% more immune cells produced than those who are sexually passive, hence the conclusion that sex can protect against getting sick.

14. Regular sex is a good exercise for a heart muscle, therefore reducing heart diseases.

15. According to British scientists, sexually active people live much longer than sexually lazy ones. There is another observation they made - those who have a good sexual appetite and are married also live longer, and being married is an obligatory requirement for longevity of the same importance as sex. I knew there had to be a loophole :-)

So, all that being said...is sex still an "obligation?" What are y'all doing tonight? ;-)

-b

Happy Tuesday!

And Happy Birthday to our very own FLOYD BERRY!

Sorry I didn't post yesterday - I was kidnapped by aliens! Okay, so maybe not aliens, but that's neither here nor there :-) I'm back now though, so let's get to it.

This article was sent to me by a friend as a possible blog topic - so I decided to go with it...and his title too :-) On Friday's Sexy Survey, my first question asked something along the lines of if you'd want to, or consider living with someone before you got married. Another question on the survey touched on how you'd rather spend an extra hour of leisure - with your partner or alone. I think the article brings these two questions together, and ties in...just a bit.

Now, if you don't feel like reading the entire article, here is the first scenario:

The art of living apart

Boy meets girl. Boy has two kids. Girl would rather keep her own place, thank you.

Couple: Marisol and Rob Simon

Their challenge: Marisol, 45, a chef and author, and Rob, 55, a new-media entrepreneur, may have fallen in love -- but that didn't mean they wanted to join households, which in Rob's case included two kids. Their solution? In the seven years they've been married, they've happily maintained separate spaces. Sleepovers allowed.

In their case, they didn't have a desire to live together - before OR after marriage. Now, this may seem odd to some people, but I don't necessarily think it is. My mother started dating a man when I was 16 years old. They were both divorced and saw no need to get married again, so they happily dated and lived apart for years until he passed. He was like more of a father to me than my biological one, and I never felt like they were less of a couple simply because they didn't get married or live together.

As a matter of fact, I'm sure they stayed together as long as they did BECAUSE they didn't live together. Maybe, like the couple suggests in the article, they had a chance to actually miss each other. And even though they only lived 15 minutes away from each other and saw each other several times a week, they still needed to maintain their own space.

Now, here is the second scenario in the article:

Together forever, all the time

For some, it would be too close for comfort. For them, it's all in a day's work.

Couple: Andrea and Scott Zieher

The challenge: A cohabiting couple for almost a decade (they married last summer), Andrea, 34, and Scott, 44, also opened a business together seven years ago. Their New York City art gallery has two employees: them. Just the two of them. In one room. All day.

I think this would drive me crazy. But there are several couples who met at the job, so they not only live together, they work together too. My best friend and her husband met at work - two lawyers on opposing sides. They fell in love, moved in and married...and saw each other all the time until she had their first son and became a stay-at-home mother.

Some people LOVE spending every waking moment with their partner - which is why I asked the question if you had an extra hour of leisure, would you spend it alone or with the person you love. Now, if there are 24 hours in a day, then ONE alone won't kill you right? You'd think you'd NEED that hour to yourself. But there are some folks that are SO in love and SO enveloped in their relationship, they would spend ALL 24 hours with their boo if they could. Nothing wrong with that either. I guess... ;-)

So tell me, which of these two scenarios is you? Or could be you?

Personally, I'd like a balance between the two. If we didn't live together, I'd see no need to get married. One of the benefits of marriage is splitting a mortgage and household expenses so that you have more money to save. If we maintained two different residences, we might as well keep everything else separate too - and not be married.

And since the woman in the first scenario didn't have - or want to be around - kids, I'd think it would be difficult to be married while raising kids and live apart.

But I'd also not want to be on top of each other all day either. While I love spending time with someone I love, it can be a bit much if I see them all day AND all night too. I want to be able to miss him, and hear how his day went instead of just knowing. I think it's great when couples want to be with each other all the time - but for me, I wouldn't want either of us to feel taken for granted or stifled. I think that can happen when people don't have room to breathe.

So what do you think? Which scenario do you think your relationship would thrive in most?

Go!

-b

TGIF!!

Sexy Survey!

1. Would you want to, or have you, lived with a prospective mate before getting married? If so, for about how long?

2. If every day next year you had an extra hour of leisure, would you rather spend all of it with your partner or by yourself? It must be one or the other.

3. What type of body do you respond to the strongest? Who comes to mind as the perfect example of that body type?

4. You are beginning an exciting romance and learn that your partner, who badly wants children, would almost certainly leave you if he or she discovered that you were unable to have kids. If you were almost sure that you could never have a child, would you try to hide the fact for a while or reveal it right away? Is it a deal breaker for YOU if your new partner couldn't have children?

5. If you could either double or halve your desire for sex, which would you do? How do you think your choice would affect your relationship (if you're in one)?

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

So I got my first "Dear Brookey" email from a GUY!! This should be interesting, let's go!

Dear Brookey,

I don't know if you've ever gotten a "Dear Brookey" email from a man before, but I figured I'd get your take on something from a woman's point of view. I'm a single father of a son that I have custody of. His mother and I split visitation, I have him during the week and she gets him every weekend - sometimes for long weekends. We have a great relationship as far as being parents is concerned, but nothing more. I'm having a hard time dating, and it's frustrating since I feel I'm ready to have a relationship. I understand it's hard dating men with kids, but Black women are always saying how hard it is to find a good man, I figured that maybe they wouldn't be AS picky since they're so hard to find. I consider myself a good guy and I just want to ask you what you feel are the red flags or pitfalls are to dating a man with a child so that I can ease a woman's fears about getting involved with me? I'm a very proud father and I take this very seriously. I don't want just any woman around my son, but I feel like I can't even get a woman to open up to dating me once I tell her I have a son who lives with me. Any help? Thanks!

-Single Dad.

This is a good question, and I think it's great that you want to understand a woman's fears about dating a man with children in order to put these fears to rest. Not every woman is hesitant to dating men with children, but there are several who feel this is a deal breaker. While I agree women may be limiting themselves by disqualifying a man who has children, I do understand that everyone (if they're completely honest with themselves) knows what they can and cannot handle and what works best for them.

There are several reasons why a person - man or woman - may not want to date someone with a child, so I'll try to narrow down what I think are the main ones. Maybe once you identify some of these reasons, we as a blog family will be able to come up with ways for you to allay some concerns a woman may have when it comes to dating you.

1. The Mother. Most times, the MAIN reason a woman will not date a man with children is because we know that - for the most part - where there's a baby...there's a baby's mama. If you two are co-parenting, that means you always have to talk to the mother, spend time with the mother and put the mother first in a lot of instances where it pertains to your child. Some women are uncomfortable with the amount of contact you have with the mother of your child, and don't like the fact they'll forever be second or third in his life. The child is a constant reminder of the mother's existence, so dating a man with a child may be too much for her to deal with because mom is always lurking around somewhere. You may have to see her at soccer games, or she may drop the child off at the house and come in to say hi and you see her there. She may not like you, especially if it was a bitter break-up, so there may be tension or even resentment. This doesn't sound like it's the case with you and your child's mother, but women think about these things and if it's worth taking a chance on. Only a truly secure woman can deal with ANOTHER woman in her man's life.

2. She doesn't like kids. Not all women are maternal. Some women genuinely do not like children and don't want to have any - yours OR her own. You can't get around that one. You have to date a woman who likes, or who can at least tolerate, children. If she's the busy, independent type, then she might not even have time for you, let alone your child - so doing things with you that revolve around children may not be her cup of tea. She may not want to get stuck in the house babysitting or watching Nickelodeon when she'd rather be out on a "real" date with you. If she doesn't like kids, keep it moving.

3. She wants her first child to be your first child too. I know this may not seem like a big deal to some people, but for some women (and men), they want their first child to be the first child for their significant other as well. I don't know how old your son is, but if he's say, 3 years old or older, then you've already seen him crawl, take his first steps, say his first words, he's potty trained, etc. You've seen your son reach several milestones already, so she may think that those things are no longer "new" to you, and therefore can't share in her excitement the first time any future children you might have with her reach these same milestones. While that may not be true, some women want the experience of sharing these "firsts" with a man who has never experienced them before with someone else.

4. Her "mother potential." You said that you take parenting very seriously, and that you don't want just any woman around your son. That makes total sense. But some women don't want you to judge them based on what kind of mother they'll be, especially if they have no desire to be one. It's hard enough dating as it is, and many people have a long list of attributes they want their future mate to have. Adding "mother" to that list may be a bit too much for a woman who knows that you're looking, not just for someone for yourself, but for someone who's a good fit for your son as well. Too much pressure.

5. Baggage. Some women (and men) think of you as "damaged goods." You've already had a kid with someone who you had a failed relationship with, so she may think you have some issues that need to be resolved. I don't know if you were once married, or just had a kid with an ex or whatever, but most women wonder why you're not still with the mother and automatically think it was your fault the relationship ended. Or they may think you have babies all willy nilly with people with no commitment if you were never married. Again, probably not the case with you, but this is what some women think.

6. There are restrictions. Most people with children aren't very spontaneous, especially if they have custody of them. You probably can't just up and go to the movies or out to dinner when you feel like it because you have to find a sitter at the last minute, or the child's mother isn't around to take him. If she's the spontaneous type, this will frustrate her because she'll feel limited in the things she can do with you. Also, most likely if your son lives with you, that means you can't have wild, screaming, hot-butt-nekkid sex in the house either - because your son will hear you. If she's loud and wants to be free, she can't do that in your house, and begins to resent you for making her tame her passion. Whether it's having "quiet" sex all the time, or no last- minute weekend getaways, no one wants to date a person they feel they'll be restricted with.

7. Some women are selfish, and want all of your undivided attention. They don't like to share her man with anyone - not the child or the child's mother or anyone else. If she can't come first, then she's not going there. She won't, and knows she can't, compete with the child - so if she's not your focus, then it's not happening chief.

8. She thinks you're broke. Most women don't date men who have children because, if you're a good father, that means you're taking care of them emotionally AND FINANCIALLY. Some women hear "child" and think "CHILD SUPPORT." If half of your check is going to your child and the child's mother, then that means (in her mind) that there is less money to take her out with, or go on vacation with, or enough to save towards a future with her with. Again, if you're big ballin' like Diddy, then this may not be an issue. But if NY State is taking 17% of your salary and giving it to someone else, then she may resent the fact that you're limited in things you can do with her - or that her man's money is going to his child through another woman. Kids cost money, so women automatically assume that men with kids don't have any.

I'm sure some of you can think of more reasons why a woman wouldn't date a man with children, so I'll stop there so this blog doesn't get too long. I know men share some of the same reasons why they won't date a woman with a child either. But if I left anything out, feel free to add more to the list. Also, help give "Single Dad" some ways he can help alleviate some of the reservations a woman may have when it comes to dating him. If you refuse to date someone with children, give us your reasons why. And if you don't have a problem dating a man with children and want me to hook you up with "Single Dad" - holla at me!

Go!

-b