Brookey's Cafe Blog

TGIF!!!

Today's blog topic is a continuation of a discussion from yesterday's comments. Our very own Rameer posed this question: What would make a first date memorable and should men go all out to impress a woman on the first date?

Serena and I weighed in on that, but I figured I'd explore it a little more today with some cool first date ideas, as well as first date etiquette - just in time for the weekend. Please feel free to add your own thoughts and ideas on this one.

Now, in my opinion, first dates are for gauging chemistry, compatibility, and communication. I find that if you have an extravagant first date, you may be misinterpreting your feelings for the guy/girl based on how impressed you are with the date, rather than the person. I'm not saying your first date should be like watching paint dry, but less is more. The most successful first dates are the ones in which both parties feel completely at ease. Although it's tempting to go all out on the first date, low-key plans are better. If the date goes well, you'll have plenty of time later to wow your boo with your elaborate plans. When thinking about the perfect first date, consider the following first date tips:

- The less complicated, the better. Avoid drawn-out, multi-part dates. These leave too much room for unexpected surprises. An evening that flows is much more relaxing.

- Pick a nice, simple restaurant. No one wants to be worried about the proper fork to use or how to pronounce restaurant items. And try to find a place where you both will find something on the menu you like. Unless she told you about her fondness for Indian or Ethiopian food, don't take her somewhere where she'll be eating bread all night because she doesn't like anything on the menu.

- A laid back, fun date will allow both parties to relax. Comedy clubs, sporting events, and concerts are good bets to lighten the mood.

- As cheesy as they sound, bowling, miniature golf, go-carts and video arcades can all be fun, icebreaking dates. Laughing over a crashed go-cart can quickly erase tension and lead to an air of familiarity.

This should go without saying, but when you’re planning a first date, remember to plan something you will both enjoy. A first date should be a magical time and fun for the BOTH of you. Don’t plan a first date that your date won’t feel comfortable. We'll get back to more suggestions in a bit..but first...

Here are some rules:

- Be on time. You can't show up late on a first date - just not cool. Leave early and give yourself some time in case there's traffic or public transportation issues. But if you ARE going to be late and can't get around it, then call and say so. Be courteous. In a time of text messages, it may take three keystrokes to say you'll be late, but a call is better.

- Dress properly, be presentable. Don't be a slouch on your first date. Wear socks that match and iron your shirt. We'll notice...and we'll talk about you later. You should smell nice too...but that's just me ;) Ladies, don't dress too seductively. If you're going to a basketball game, you'll look silly with a dress on that's hiked up your ass. Be a lady.

- Make eye contact. When you look away or focus on your date's body while talking, you are giving the impression that either you don't care what he or she has to say, or that you're only interested in sex.

- Speaking of sex, don't expect to get any. Assume that sex on a first date is off-limits and just relax. Sex too early in the game can actually be an obstacle later if a long term commitment is what you're looking for. Now...about that kiss...

- Follow your heart...and your hormones. Times have changed in this department, and kissing on the first date no longer has negative connotations. If you enjoyed the date, felt a real spark, and would love to have a second date - go ahead and give him a smack :)...on the lips.

- Stay with your date. I know that sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised the stories I've heard. If you take your date somewhere, don't abandon him or her. Your date should feel important to you.

- Compliment your date. You and your date are both making an effort, so you should compliment what you like and keep what you don't like to yourself.

- Never cancel a first date at the last minute. If you can't give your date advanced notice, don't cancel, don't stand them up and don't call him or her unless it's an emergency.

- Avoid rudeness and crass behavior. Be courteous to waiters or waitresses serving you. You can't treat your date like a million bucks and everyone else like the bottom of your shoe. They'll think you're an asshole - and you probably are.

- Listen to your date. The conversation is probably the most important part of the date. Through talking to your date, you'll quickly find out if you have anything in common and if you are at all compatible. But, a date is a mutual experience of talking and listening. Don't take up all the time you have together running off at the mouth telling your date your whole life story. However...

- You should be interesting. While it's important to be yourself, it's more important to be your best self. You are just getting to know each other and certain things are better left unsaid - for now. Some first date tip conversation pointers to keep in mind...

- Avoid potentially polarizing debates. The first date is not the appropriate time to discuss views on the death penalty, abortion, same-sex marriage, or any other hot topics.

- Leave the past behind. Resist the urge to entertain your date with stories of your abusive childhood, painful divorce, or complicated relationships. Although these subjects are part of who you are and may very well need to be discussed, this is not the right time.

- Be upbeat. We are naturally more attractive when we're being positive. Now is not the time to launch into a tirade about your simple baby mama, terrible year, or stupid job/boss. Find something pleasant to discuss.

- Avoid one-upping your date. A competitive spirit can be charming, but if you seek to beat your date at everything from sports to funny stories; you're not charming, you're just a jerk.

- Don't compare your date to others. Don't compare your date to other people - especially any former boyfriends or girlfriends. And PLEASE don't discuss past sexual experiences.

- Be honest. Don't promise to call your date again if you have no plans on doing it. Don't make up stories to impress him or her. Don't say let's do it again if you're having a terrible time. Just be yourself and have fun...no need to tell stories.

Now, since this list is getting longer than I wanted it to, let's get to some first date ideas.

Daytime Dates

If this is the first time you and your date will be alone together, plan a daytime date. Daytime hours alleviate the pressure of intimacy during an evening hours date. Lunch and coffee dates are informal and relaxing opportunities to get to know each other. Some ideas include:

mini golf
bookstores
amusement parks
pumpkin picking
orchards
wine tasting
cooking class
zoo or aquarium
picnic
beach

Double Dates

A double date alleviates the pressure of conversational topics. By adding more people to the mix, you can keep conversations on safe topics and keep it flowing.

Double dates are great for dates to places like an amusement park, dinner in a restaurant, playing pool, or bowling. Relaxing activities where you can play games, laugh and enjoy each other promotes an opportunity for future dates. A comedy club, for example, is a lot more fun on a double date because you can laugh and share the experience...no pressure to be witty all by yourself :-)

Seasonal Dates

Depending on where you live and the types of seasons you and your date enjoy, seasonal opportunities make for unique dates. Autumn in New England, for example, can mean drives through fall foliage. You can talk about the sights you see and your favorite fall memories. You can stop along the way for a bite to eat at local spots, drink hot cider, go apple picking and just soak up the atmosphere.

In the winter time, you might want to take your date skiing, snowboarding or simply build a snow man. The beauty of a first date is that it should be about the opportunity to enjoy each other. Winter sports can be fun and engaging, earning you some cool points if you can actually ski. Sitting down in front of a nice fire with hot chocolate and marshmallows is also a great way to spend time talking and getting to know each other.

Attend local area events like balloon festivals, 4th of July celebrations, fall festivals and more. The outdoor atmosphere is relaxed and you can explore and enjoy together.

Fun Dates

- Do something you’ve never done before. If you’re typically indoors, try an outdoor activity and if you love the outdoors, consider an indoor one.

- Go roller skating. Most people know how to roller skate, and even if you don't and you fall down - just feel silly and laugh it off.

- Go sight-seeing in your city. Many locals never see their own sights because they live or work there - use a first date as an opportunity to visit your own area.

- Be kids again and go to the park. The great thing about kids is they can have fun anywhere - remember that feeling and enjoy it with this new person in your life.

Okay, I think that's enough. Feel free to add more if you want! And if you're going on a first date this weekend, let us know what you did and how it goes!

Have fun!

-b

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

Okay, I saw this on Pretty Rick's Facebook page. Let's discuss this:



Now, I'm not trying to make fun of the poor woman - I think busting out the stripper pole is an ambitious endeavor. But did she have to bust her ass at the expense of pleasing her man? I had a conversation with a guy friend of mine yesterday about this sort of thing. He said women should go above and beyond to please their man to make sure he stays. Which leads me to my question - why do WOMEN have to go above and beyond to please their men to make sure they stay, but MEN aren't expected to do the same thing? Why can't HE break out the Chippendale's outfit and get his "Pony" on for US? Got us out here breaking our tail on some damn stripper pole...for what? I know it's RTT, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

Now...shall we?

- Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom? WTF?

- Anyone ever see the Snuggie commercial? Why is everyone in that ad doing the "raise the roof" dance? Like having a Snuggie is just THAT fly?

- I wouldn't mind having one though :-) I'm always cold!

- It's chilly this morning here in the NYC - I guess I should pick a day to go through all my fall and winter clothes....soon!

- It's October! Who's having the Halloween Party??

- I may not be able to go though unless it's in Philly - gotta take my babies Trick-or-Treating! Halloween is on a Saturday this year...and the Eagles play the Giants the next day in Philly! I might need to get tickets to that game.

- I want a good lunch today.

- Someone remind me to pay my cell phone bill...and my car insurance...and my cable bill. Dang, all these bills at once! Not to mention it's the first of the month. I hate paying rent!

- But I'm blessed to have a roof over my head and a job to be able to pay all these bills. Thank you God!

- I hate breaking in new shoes.

- I didn't realize just how much I miss Monica this week - she's out on vacation :-(

- My desk is a mess.

- I love a sexy man in a nice blue shirt - I saw one this morning. I just wanted to lick him!...on the face ;-)

- What ever happened to Jeff Redd? This song used to be my JOINT!!!

Go!

-b

Happy Hump Day!

So, I really have nothing to say this afternoon except WATCH OPRAH today if you're around a tv when she's on. I know, I know...some of you men would rather go to hell wearing gasoline drawers than watch Oprah, but I think hearing about "good" and "bad" hair from a man's perspective might make you change your mind. Emmy Award winning comedian (and now hair expert) Chris Rock is going to appear on Oprah today to promote his new documentary Good Hair.



Now, we all know I've done a couple of blogs already on this very subject, so I'll be glued to the tv today. Women talk about hair and our hair issues almost everyday, so to see the topic broached by a man should be refreshingly interesting. Most men just think we're crazy when it comes to our hair - because we tell them they can't touch it, or how much money we spend on it, or that we can't have sex or work out because we might mess it up.

Personally, I hate spending a lot of money on hair, and I'll never turn down some nooky just because I got my "do did." I mean...never. But for some women, hair is serious business. A $9 billion dollar business at that! Yikes!! That's insane, but it's also very true.

One thing Chris Rock says in the Oprah.com article is that men don't care about a woman's hair. He says, "They say it's for the men, but it's really for the women. Because guys don't care." He continues, "There's no point in the history of the world where men were not sleeping with the women in front of them. We take what we can get."

Now, for most men, that may be true. But trust me when I tell you, I've met men who pick and choose who they date based on the type of hair a woman has. I've dated men who preferred I wear my hair long, and I've dated men who preferred I wear my hair short. I've dated men who told me they like me better in braids, and men who tell me to wear it straightened. They like to run their fingers through it and play with it. They want you to wear it out rather than rock baseball caps. I think men care more than they care to admit, but they'll still have sex with you either way ;-)

I'm curious to know what the men on this blog think about women and hair in general. Do you prefer a woman who wears her hair natural, relaxed, long, short? Or do you honestly not care how a woman wears her hair...so long as she has a fat ass? ;) I joke...kinda...but tell me your thoughts on this fellas.

And ladies, I'm curious to know what is the most amount of money you've spent on your hair. Would you wear a weave if you had the time and resources to rock a fly one a la Tyra Banks? Well, she took her weave out now, so maybe I can't use her as an example anymore, but you know what I'm saying. Would you, or have you, forgone sex in order to make your fresh new style last a little bit longer? Be honest ;-)

I hope you all get a chance to check out Oprah today. I think it'll be fun to take a comedic look at Black hair care. And I think we'll find out through Chris's documentary, hair care is not just a black thang.



No matter what kind of hair you have, be true to yourself and don't let anyone make you feel a certain way because of it. If you like it, I love it! Be happy!

-b

Happy Tuesday!

So on Sunday after Mo’s race, I gave one of her friends a ride home. In the car we were discussing living in New York, both of us originally from somewhere else. She said she’s been living in New York for 2 years now - moved here from PG County Maryland - and in that 2 years, has never been on a date in NYC. I was stunned by that.

She’s a pretty girl - I make her out to be about 27 years old if I had to guess – smart, friendly disposition. I found it hard to believe she hadn’t been on a date in 2 years. She says, “It’s not like I haven’t been asked, I just didn’t want to go out with them.” I asked her to describe who “them” was. She said, “You know, the Fedex guy, the mailroom guy. I want to date a man who wears a suit everyday.”

I automatically thought about the “French Fry Factor” blog. Poor girl…denying herself a date simply because the men who asked her out didn’t wear a suit and tie to work. I guess I never viewed dating that way in my 20’s. I dated all over the place, whenever I could. Ironically, I spent most of my 20’s in monogamous relationships that lasted a couple years at a time; so I never dated around as much as I do now. I haven’t had a serious boyfriend since I moved to NY, which has been 6 years now and counting. I go on dates here and there, weather personal revelation fatigue from the “getting to know you” phase of conversations, and I rely on pep talks from my other single girlfriends to keep me going.

Now that I’m in my 30’s, dating just to date doesn’t seem like a good idea, but I do it anyway…if for no other reason than to get out of the house and enjoy a man’s company every once in a while. I love my girls, but sometimes you just want to spend an evening talking to a man. I’m not saying kiss a few frogs, as I learned that kissing the wrong guy can set in motion a sort of unwitting hormonal bonding stronger than rational thinking. But going out doesn’t require that you have to find Mr. Right, it just means you can spend a “chemical free-think clearly-getting to know him first” night just having fun.

Women tend to romanticize everything…and sometimes I can be no exception. We think dating means tumbling into bed, then falling in love, then getting married – which is not always how it works…or how it SHOULD work. But dating can give you enough experiences with Mr. Wrong to help you understand what it is that you DO want when Mr. Right finally shows his beautiful face.

We’re all looking for that person who can see our BEST self despite all of our imperfections. But in order to know who our best self is, we have to learn it first, and sometimes that means exposing ourselves to others so that we can understand what it is we truly want and need. We won’t learn who we are by being pent up in the house, and a couple years of loneliness can make us become unglued at a moment’s notice if we’re not careful. That first date after a 2 year hiatus can wreak havoc on you mentally and emotionally, so if nothing else, you should date all types of men just to get some practice. If a date turns out to be a disaster, so what? You’ll meet someone else tomorrow. For every Saturday night that you spend alone or with girlfriends, there are several potential dates out there somewhere waiting to be had with a guy who just might throw you for a loop and knock your socks off.

To me, your 20’s are for figuring it all out. In my 20’s, I’d go on dates with guys I didn’t really think I’d like, only to be pleasantly surprised. Sometimes I didn’t feel like being bothered, and I’d lie and say I had a man or that I was moving to Africa so they’d leave me alone. Who knows what I missed out on? Now that I’m in my mid 30’s with no man in sight, I feel confident in accepting dates and getting to know people, if for no other reason that to possibly make a new friend.

Dating doesn’t always have to lead to something. Think of it as doing your homework. When Mr. Right finally does come along, think of how much he’ll appreciate all the hard work you did in finding him - cuz after all, you won’t find him sitting at home. The parade of men who will have preceded him will help you to know yourself better. The Mr. Wrongs will teach you when to speak up, when to stay quiet and listen when you need to, to pay attention to what you want in a relationship, and what you don’t want. They will undoubtedly teach you how to appreciate the man who, in the end, will be the one to capture your heart. And he just may be the Fedex guy.

-b

Training for a triathlon seemed like something that I wouldn't be able to do. I have 2 bad knees, so that felt like a legitimate excuse as to why I could only bike and swim, but not run. But as I stood waiting to catch a glimpse of Monica coming around the bend towards the finish line, folks in their 70's came running by...even a woman in a wheelchair. All I could think was, "what's MY excuse?"

Maybe competing in a triathlon isn't the goal we want to accomplish. It may be climbing a mountain, or starting our own business. But whatever it is, it's doable. After yesterday, my outlook has changed, and my spirit has been lifted once again.

I believe that we're all connected to each other's energy fields - and your energy is either restored or depleted depending on the people you're around. Monica has shown me that there's a better way of living - not without problems or challenges - but in creating that place from within by looking at the world differently. Perception is reality. We can literally create the world we live in in our minds and project it outward through the power of our own faith and believing that anything is possible.

Monica decided to take on this challenge to help others, while doing something wonderful for herself. Being skilled at taking care of yourself improves your ability to care for others, accomplish goals, and live your dreams. If you're not fulfilled, you're only able to see other people and your world around you through the lens of your own needs. So if there's something you need to help you live the life you want to have, then go get it.

We can do anything. Nothing is beyond your reach when you commit, prepare, train, study and pray for it. Focusing your energy on your goals requires that you give to yourself first, refill your tank, and surround yourself with people who are your "energy idols" - those who exude positive vibes at all times and encourage you to be great. Energy is the essence of life, and every day, all you have to do is decide how you're going to use it.

-b

TGIF!!!!

First things first! Happy Birthday to our very own Monica aka Momo925! Woo-hoo!

I was trying to think of some questions for my usual Friday Sexy Survey, when a friend of mine asked me to pose a question to the blog family. The question?

What do you think of women who dress TOO SEXY?

Hmmm....good one.

My friend is a woman, and says she's tired of seeing women with their breasts spilling out of their blouses and dresses hiked up their ass. She feels that women who do that do so because they feel that is the only way they can get attention. She feels they are objectifying themselves to men, yet seem to get annoyed or offended if the very attention they seek isn't "favorable" or is considered obscene or obnoxious. So...let's talk about it.

Personally, I feel there is a difference between accentuating the positive and leaving NOTHING to the imagination. And I also think there is a time and place for everything. How you dress when you go to the club should not be the same way you dress when you're going to work...unless you work at the club ;)

I won't tell women how to dress. Deep V cleavage can be done tastefully, and wearing a mini skirt doesn't have to mean you look like a slut. There are those who can flaunt a sexy leg with a flirty skirt, and then there are those who wrap a tube top around their ass. There are those who leave a button undone to show a hint of "boobage," and then there those who are Triple H's wearing a C cup bra and a baby tee. Spilling boobies out into someone's face may be a bit much - but hey, if you find that THAT'S how YOU feel sexy...rock on. Just don't get mad at the guy when he can't tell you what color your eyes are.

Dressing "sexy" can bring about unwanted attention and responses from the opposite sex. A man should never feel that he can touch, fondle or molest a woman simply because she "appears" to invite that kind of attention. I won't go so far as to say that a woman brings that attention on herself, but I think women should be aware of the type of attention they receive when they dress a certain way. That goes for any setting, whether it's at a bar or a boardroom.

If you're at a bar, you may WANT to dress a certain way in order to get a guy's attention. Just make sure it's the attention you WANT. I know a few women who make SURE the girls are perky every time we go out, and they put them front and center. Yet, they wonder why the cutie that asked for their number is always trying to come over and "lay up" with them, or wants to sleep with them right away. Some men assume that if you put sex out there, that's what you want...whether that's true or not. I'm not saying it's right...I'm just saying it happens.

And if you're at work, excessive cleavage is probably...almost NEVER...a good thing. It doesn't matter which position a woman holds - whether she's a VP or an administrative assistant - dressing sexy at the job is usually considered inappropriate across the board. Studies show women holding high-powered jobs, especially, were perceived as less intelligent and less competent when they dressed provocatively, while those in lower level positions (such as assistants) were not. Studies also suggest that women who wore risqué clothing to work were perceived as using their sexuality to advance professionally. Again, not saying it's right...it just is what it is sometimes.

How a person dresses is a personal thing. Our reasons for what we wear may be varied, but they usually speak directly to the type of person we are. Our clothes can indicate that we're conservative, professional, a hippie, chic, rich, poor, laid back, eccentric, bold or reserved. Some could argue that what we show on the outside doesn't always reflect who we are on the inside, and none of us should judge a book by its cover. However, if your cover gets you groped (and you don't want to be groped) or it gets you fired, you may want to take a second look in the mirror before you leave the house. Jus sayin...

Have a great weekend!

-b

What's crackin lil homies!?

- Today is day two of my killer cramps, and I took my last two Midol this morning. I know y'all didn't need to know that, but this is not cute. I'm always glad to see Aunt Flo, but the bitch is actin' out.

- I love fall fashion as much as the next person, but seriously people...I saw a few folks with wool jackets and chunky scarves on. It's a gorgeous morning and it's 80 degrees out! It's not cool to be sweatin' like a runaway slave just so you can rock a turtleneck and skully. Stop the madness!

- I took my favorite jeans to the cleaners this morning to have yet ANOTHER patch put on them. They keep ripping, but I can't get rid of them. And no, it's not because they're too tight - they were just made in a bad batch that got recalled by the Gap. And I can't wait to pick them up and put them on. I know...trifling.

- Jay Z is gonna be on Oprah today, can't wait! She'll be walking through Marcy Projects and rapping on her show. Only Jigga can get Oprah to do that...*heart* that man!

- Did anyone see Mackenzie Phillips on Oprah yesterday talking about she had sex with her father and how he was the first person to shoot her up? Yikes! It was quite disturbing.



- Cougar Town was kinda funny last night :-) I can't WAIT to see the season premiere of Greys Anatomy tonight!

- I want Edy's Ice Cream. I have no snacks in my house.

- They always play that Kid Cudi song right before I leave the house with the Lady Gaga "Poker Face" sample on it. I have to listen to my iPod just to get that song "unstuck" from my head.



- Speaking of my iPod, I discovered some new music on it that DMoe put there. I have so much music to get through, so I put it on shuffle every morning and just let it ride. This morning I discovered James Morrison's song "You Give Me Something." I love it! I also discovered Gabriela Anders, music with Joe Sample and Lalah Hathaway and a song I'd never heard from Estelle. I love that I'm hearing music I would have probably never heard had he not pre-downloaded an iPod for me. I had a groovy, easy going commute this morning :-) Thanks D!

- My cat was arguing with me this morning. Yes...I said he was arguing with me. I guess I didn't feed him as early as he would have liked.

- I feel like I'm going to be paying student loans til I die, even though it's not that great of an amount. I'll be glad when that mess is over.

- I would LOVE to wear a Wendy Williams wig just once! Her wigs are BIG and fabulous!

- Stephon Marbury is looney.

- I'm afraid of the swine flu vaccine.

- I can't wait to see the Michael Jackson movie! Tickets go on sale this weekend! Who's going with me!?

Go!

-b