Tuesday, May 1, 2012

TMI Tuesday - let's go!

9 Rules For the Office Romp...by The Fury

I was recently hired to do some contract work for a corporation that just survived a very big, extremely public sexual harassment lawsuit, some sexual harassment charges and a big issue of sexual payment for advancement. Yeah…

So here I go walking into the revolving door of unsaid company wondering what the hell is going on that so many people are having sex IN the workplace. No seriously, one person was reprimanded and demoted because he was caught orally pleasuring a co-worker while (and this may be just the tale exaggerated…) she pleasured herself with the neck of a Hennessey bottle. Oh my my my…

Again…these people hired me…

First thing I noticed upon entering, besides the heinously slow desktop they allotted me, was the sheer amount of attractive women who worked there. Fine. I request a small area to work away from everyone. I don’t want any problems. The office manager is attractive, wears tight jeans on her fabulous ass and curses like a sailor. It’s sexy.

She then decides to place another very attractive woman directly next to my little area. There’s tons of space. No need to have her on top of me…well…

She is Trinidadian, slim, sexy, built like a Kardashian (Kim...not Khloe) and plays sexy R&B all day. OK, we’ll take her. I’ll just try not to watch while the two of you chatter about your skin tight dresses as she models the one that doesn’t “show off my g-string line.”

“Hi Fury, I’m Jennifer.” Jennifer is gorgeous. A cross between Vanessa Williams and Eva Mendes. Her work area is…next to me on the other side.


Now I’ve been practicing on being a good boy, and I definitely don’t want to cause an issue on a contract assignment in this economy..but what the f#ck!?

I’ve had one or two office romances in my life and they are not for everyone.

There are rules to the shit.

1) Don’t fuck in the office. (it’s tempting. Don’t do it….now oral is possible as long as the other isn’t too distracted by the bottle of spirits pistoning inside of her to realize security is walking the hallway)

2) Be on similar levels. F#cking an underling or an overling will cause an issue eventually. Usually with the person who isn’t in the sexcapade that gets passed over for the promotion.

3) If there’s a company rule that says you should tell…tell! Or don’t tell…anyone!!

4) Don’t squeeze his/her ass at the watercooler. Someone always sees.

5) Don’t whisper “I wanna taste/suck/lick/f#ck/juggle/gargle/ram your [anything]” in the cubicle area. You might as well have a bullhorn. Mouth it. Write it. Know sign language?

6) Do treat the person respectfully, even if it’s the worst taste/suck/lick/f#ck/juggle/gargle/ram you’ve ever had.

7) Don’t taste/suck/lick/f#ck/juggle/gargle/ram the office loudmouth.

8) If you want to break it off…do it easy. Very easy. The last thing you want is him/her telling the boss while he/she is tasting/sucking/licking/f#cking/juggling/gargling/ramming the boss. Bad news

9) Don’t use company computers/networks to talk dirty or set up dates. A friend of mine is an IT contractor for a large firm. He has copies of every nude picture ever sent internally. Like wow…

With that said, I’m going to keep to myself here and finish this contract quietly…unless of course my neighbors are reading this over my shoulder and don’t mind making me the meat in our office sandwich.

Do you have your own office romp rules? Ever have an office romp horror story or romance story? Let’s talk. It’s TMI Tuesday!

They call me The Fury and this Office Space is tempting...

- The Fury

http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com/

http://www.twitter.com/dirtydetails

http://dirtydetails.tumblr.com/

35 comments:

Domina*Tricks! said...

First Bitches!

Stef said...

dang it!!!

Fury is back! Yay!!!

Stef said...

Now let me go read it :-)

Domina*Tricks said...

Sex at work is THE BEST! Nothing beats the rush of possibly getting caught! just don't get caught!

-V- said...

Nice.

I once hired a temp receptionist to hold it down while the full-timer went on maternity leave. I knew on Day 1 she was gonna get it and she knew it as well, but I was patient ... for three months. On her last day, we took her out as a company to thank her. As the evening wrapped up all I said was "let's go." The rest is freakier-than-I-could-ever-imagine history.

The moral of this story: plant the seed(s) and be patient.

The Fury said...

@Stef - Hey shawty! Thanks for welcoming me back. Does that come with applause and an ass clap?

See me and Domina*Tricks working in the same place could be dangerous.

@V - wow freakier than you could ever imagine!? Did she make it to your personal full-time roster?

Domina*Tricks said...

I could have alot of fun with Fury :-)

Anonymous said...

I once knew I was gonna have sex with a co-worker based on his voice alone. He left me a work related voicemail and I must've listened to it like 10 times. He must have felt the same way about my voice, because after I called him back to answer his question (and hear his voice again), he started calling me for random, insignificant stuff - asking me questions I knew he already knew the answers to.

One day, we just talked all afternoon about personal stuff, and all I kept thinking was "I bet he's ugly in person, he just has a sexy ass voice."

Boy was I wrong.

We agreed to meet after work when he was in the city (he worked in a different office in another state), and the moment I laid eyes on him I knew it was gonna be on. He was gorgeous!

I don't even think it was a month later before he was at my house and we were gettin' busy. That lasted about 3 months...until I found out he had a girlfriend.

But damn if that wasn't the prettiest penis I've ever seen in my life!

Brooke said...

Rule #10

Find out co-worker's marital status first :-)

unless you simply don't care :-)

The Fury said...

@Domina*Tricks - That goes without saying...but say it again and again...

@Anonymous - Well damn the prettiest huh. Well office romps are office romps. What his girlfriend got to do with you? #shrug

@Brooke - The marital thing can be rough. I worked in one place where the wife came to the office to whup her husband's assistant's ass because she thought they were f#ckin...(turns out they were)

-V- said...

@Fury,

Full-time roster of course ... lasted 3 or 4 fantastic months until she started making demands, and she wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. It was great while it lasted.

Anonymous said...

@Fury,

I don't f*ck with other people's man, that's not my style. If he was single, we might still be f*cking today, but the last thing I need is the scenario you just described - a man's wife or girlfriend coming at me for f*ckin her man. I got enough problems.

Stef said...

Brooke, you ain't neva lied about rule #10. I was messing around with a coworker and didn't know he was married - until he wife showed up to confront me. Turns out some other (hater) coworkers caught on to what we were doing and told his wife. She asked around about who I was and found me and promptly told me to stop fucking her husband or she would shank me. Her real words, even showed me the knife in her bag. Bitch was NUTS!

Mind you, I had no idea he was married, and I stopped it right then and there. And you won't believe his excuse..."I didn't think sleeping with a coworker counted as cheating."

HUH???!!!

Dude, if you stick your dick in another woman other than your wife, it's called CHEATING!!!

The Fury said...

@V - You gotta watch out for the dull ones. That could be all bad in life and in the work place.

@Anonymous - That's noble of you. You see what happened to Stef and she didn't even know!

@Stef - That excuse he gave was just game. One of the number one reasons you keep that office romance to yourself is the folks in the office talking. i wonder if we've ever worked together. LOL

I wonder if that dude's wife threatened to shank him...probably not...

ejackson said...

I was dared to post this...

1) i like the smell of my own farts.
2) Brooke said she was going to visit me but no such luck for me...maybe it was the "fart" comment! lol

i hope this doesn't affect my credit report...

Brooke said...

I'm coming Liz!! I promise!

Stef said...

@Fury,

I doubt she tried to shank him too, cuz now he's messing with ANOTHER coworker! If she DID threaten him, it had no effect. For alot of women, it's easier to come after the "other" woman rather than their trifling, no good man!

The Cable Guy said...

Does having sex with Time Warner customers count as sex on the job? ;-)

Jaz said...

I never had sex at work, but I did get "massaged" in the kitty kat under the conference room table while in a meeting :-)

#dontjudgeme

Brooke said...

@Cable Guy,

I'm gonna say "yes" to your question.

The Cable Guy said...

@Brookey,

You are the only customer I wanted to smash and COULDN'T. You'd be surprised how many women come to the door in nohting but a robe knowing the cable man is coming. It's too easy sometimes.

The Fury said...

@ejackson - Are you taking on dares today? I have a few. Especially if you work with Brooke...

@stef - But you can't be mad because obviously the dick was good so she's not trying to lose that. LOL

@TheCableGuy - While you were doing installations?? word, son???

@jaz - Kitty massaged under the conference table during a meeting!? *applause*

Domina*Tricks said...

Notice how Brooke never comments on these TMI Tuesdays? :)

Brooke said...

@Domina*Tricks

...umm...I'm here!

The Fury said...

@Brooke - she means you haven't publicly admitted to any office trysts...

Brooke said...

assuming I've HAD any office trysts ;-)

Domina*Tricks said...

@Brooke,

So are you saying you've never had an office tryst?

Brooke said...

I'm saying I've never had sex at work :-)

The Fury said...

Brooke is playing coy! So you had an office tryst and you followed the no sex in the office rule.

Brooke said...

I'm saying I've never broken any office rules :-)

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke is a goody two-shoes :)

The Fury said...

@Brooke - such a good girl...in the office.

Domina*Tricks said...

She's probably a closet freak - those are the best ones!

The Fury said...

Those are the best ones!!!! *sent from my closet of freakiness*

The Cable Guy said...

Brooke's probably sitting there at her computer blushing :-)

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