Unconditional Love From a Child

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Well, it would be a happy one if I wasn't sick :-( I've been sick all weekend, and had no chance to rest as I was busy running around with family celebrating my nephew Kyce's birthday weekend. The kids had fun, and I had a ball with them...but I'm exhausted :-( I got home at 1am last night because Kyce started crying as I was about to leave.

"I don't want you to go," he sobbed. So there I was...laying with them (Ibrahim was sound asleep) in the bed until he fell asleep. I didn't want to go either.

This happens to me every time I go home to visit. We have a great time, and then leaving them seems so painful. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it's never easy to leave...especially when they beg me not to.

There is nothing like the feeling of unconditional love, especially from a child. They love me just because I'm Auntie. Nothing more, nothing less. Not because I buy them toys, or give them ice cream. They love me simply because I'm there...and because I love them first.

I've always said that I couldn't love them more than if I had birthed them myself. I'm sure for some that may seem like an exaggeration considering I don't know what it's like to have any children of my own. But I honestly believe that they are a part of me. I love them as if it's MY blood coursing through their veins. I see some of myself in them, even though I'm not the one raising them. I feel them in my spirit daily and I know they feel the same way about me. It's pure joy.

I thanked my sister recently for allowing me to feel so included in her family, especially with the boys. She looked at me like I was crazy. For her, me being such an integral part of their lives is as natural as breathing. Since we are so close, it's only fitting that I'd be close to her children.

But it's more than that. She says that I "co-parent" with her. She allows me to discipline them. I talk to them. I listen to them. I encourage them. I let them know when I'm disappointed with something they've done wrong, and I celebrate their accomplishments. I hug them. I squeeze them. I tickle them. I play with them. I do homework with them. I teach them. They teach me. I wipe their tears. I kiss their face and I hold them tight. Simply put...I love them. And I feel so blessed that my sister shares them with me.

I used to get a bit annoyed when my friends would say, "Well, you can have mine" when I would discuss my fears of not ever having children of my own. Of course they don't mean that literally, and I thought they were being insensitive or dismissive to the fact that this is a real concern of mine. My sister never really said such things to me, because she understands how I feel, but she would tell me that I was already a mother - I just didn't birth any children from my own body...yet. And now I get it.

If for any reason I don't have any children of my own, I'm beginning to feel like that'll be ok. If it's God's will, then He will make that happen. But if not, I can't say that my life will be empty or incomplete. I know what unconditional love feels like from a child...from two children...not from my body - but pure love nonetheless. That's more than some people will ever know, and it's a true blessing...and today, that really is enough for me.



-b

TGIF Sexy Survey!

TGIF Sexy Survey!

1. If you were a sexual Super Hero, what magic/special power would you have?

2. What things, if any, are better kept private in a relationship?

3. Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?

4. Has a parent ever walked in on YOU having sex?

5. If you could go back and change the past, would you rather be a virgin and discover your sexuality within a relationship with the love of your life...or already possess extensive sexual experience to share with your life partner?

6. How promiscuous would you be if you knew your mate would be as faithful as you wished and, without resentment, gave you any sexual freedoms you asked for?

7. Your closest friend (and companion since childhood) and your lover (whom you have only known 6 months but feel like you have waited for your whole life) are both in grave danger. If you could only save one, which would it be?

8. How would you rate yourself as a lover on a scale of 1-10?

9. What is the most unpleasant sexual experience you have ever had?

10. Would you ever marry someone over the strong opposition of your entire family?

Go!

-b

Random Thoughts Thursday!

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I finally got some GOOD sleep last night!

- I have a workshop to attend for work this morning from 10a-2p. Gonna be boring as hell. I'll be back this afternoon to see what y'all are talking about though.

- I know Tiger Woods is happy Jesse James is the cheatin' mofo now :-) LOL!

- Too bad Jesse James doesn't have any real talent to help him bounce back from his scandal. Tiger fittin'a wax that ass at the Masters.

- What's with all the hatin' ass bitches in the world today? But hey, that means I'm doing something right...so like Kat Williams said, "If you don't have anyone to hate on, feel free to hate on me!"

- I'm ready for Deebo tonight, but last night's spin class liked to kill me!

- I'm sore today...but I'm gonna shake it off!

- Looking forward to the weekend! My nephew Kyce's birthday is coming up, he'll be 6! Time is flying by.

- Go Orange!

Go!

-b

Black (and Puerto Rican) Love...Alive and Well!

Happy Hump Day!

I open my Outlook inbox today at work to find an email from Annamaria. In it contains a single YouTube link to Austin's proposal. I don't think I hit reply fast enough to ask her if I could post it. "Sure, go head."



Watching the proposal brought tears to my eyes. I didn't have to hear anything, just the visual of true love was enough to make me all verklempt. A beautiful sight to see.

With the recent onslaught of reports on the doomed, single black woman, something dawned on me as I watched Austin get down on one knee. Love...Black love...is alive and well. Yes, we outnumber Black men. Yes, even if every black man married a black woman today, 1 in 12 women would be left out to dry. Blah, blah, blah. We get it.

I'm not saying the reports are false, that black women are imperfect, that it's easy for us to find the right person, or that all of us are looking in the right places with the right attitude. But I do think this debate deserves some perspective: Not only do smart, educated, organized, hard-working Black and Latina women in healthy, loving relationships exist - but they exist in my life, and they're everywhere. The macro picture may not be painted with pretty colors - but in my day-to-day life, surrounding me at every turn, it's a virtual rainbow of love!

My sister is married to a Moroccan born man. They've been together for 13 years and have two beautiful children. And they're still in love. My one best friend was married to her soulmate until the Lord called him home - they were together 15 years and share three amazing children. My other BFF is married to an Italian man and have three awesome sons. My friend Dana is married for the second time to her best friend (also Italian) who is a great father to my Godson and loving partner to her. I attended two weddings last year for amazing, talented, smart and beautiful Black women and their kings. And now, I can add Annamaria and Austin to my growing list of happily-ever-after friends who can tell that report on the single, lonely, high achieving yet desperate, cat-loving Black (Latina) woman to kiss their ass.

And as for my single friends...well, they're happily dating. Some juggling multiple suitors at a time. None of them are home wallowing in their sorrows eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's. They're living life, achieving goals, and being happy...knowing that one day their time will come.

Love is love, no matter where you find it...no matter which race you find it with. In all fairness, all of the women I know - White, Black, Latina, Asian, Indian, French, British - have had trouble at one point or another navigating the dating pool. Finding love is one of life's universal journeys. The chips aren't stacked in anyone's favor, but I'm a firm believer that making yourself the best person you can is an essential part of being ready when the right mate does come along.

An innate drive to be better, to do better, to sharpen your skills, to reach for the stars and never settle, is one of the things that make "high-achieving" women attractive. As long as somewhere along the road we keep our eyes open to love and make time to embrace it and follow our own rules -- wherever and whenever we find it -- we'll all have our own happily ever after.

-b

Drier than the Sahara

Happy Tuesday!

Can I just say....I love Barack Obama! Watching him sign the health reform bill this morning was amazing. Congrats to him! Congrats to us all!

Now...can I ALSO just say I hate when fools ring my phone at 3 and 4 am. I'm tired as hell today because someone decided it would be a good idea to see if I was awake at that hour. He will get the cuss out later today.

Why do men do that? Why do women do that? Unless I've given you the firm "go-ahead" on calling during booty call hours, don't do it. It's not cute, and it'll guarantee that you'll never get any. EVER.

Nothing dries me up faster than an inconsiderate man. My phone ringing in the wee hours of the morning tells me that he was only thinking of himself and what he wanted...whether that was simply to talk, to see if I'd be up for a visit, whatever. There was no consideration as to if I was asleep, if I had to wake up early for an early meeting at work (which I did) or if I would even entertain a conversation with him. This is someone I've had no previous "nookie" relationship with, so how in the hell would he think he could call during "nookie" hours?

Baffling. And rude.

I've known plenty of men who had the potential to get it, only to do or say something stupid to ensure that they will never, ever see it or smell it. Most times, all they have to do is play it cool, try not to say anything too crazy, and be patient...and chances are the woman will come around and break you off a lil somethin. But nooooo....y'all wanna jolt someone out their sleep and then make them cuss you out for it. Stop the madness.

While I'm on a rant, here are some other things that dry me up:

- Worse than an inconsiderate man is a desperate one. Don't ask me on our first date when you can hit it, or try to bed me too soon. Over-eager and over-anxious is not sexy. At all.

- Dirty fingernails, funky underarms and bad breath. Please bathe and brush your teeth.

- Loud, attention seeking men. Okay dude, I see you...bring it down a notch. I don't need to hear King Lion roaring all the time trying to get my attention. Be a bit more creative than just being loud for no damn good reason.

- "Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...you looking like a fool with your pants on the ground!" Pull your pants up, you're over 30 for goodness sakes! Grow up.

- Wack conversation/Idiot men. Nothing is "un-sexier" than a man who can't "conversate." And yes, if you say, "can we conversate?" - I'm done talking. Ignorance is a total turn-off.

- A bad kisser. If you can't kiss....if you wet my whole face up, bite my lips to the point where they're red and swollen, or peck at me like a bird, then the va-jay-jay will dry up like the Sahara. Trust.

- Wack sex. You only get ONE time to cum before I do. Do it more than once, and it's a wrap.

- No oral skills. If you don't like it down there, then don't go down there. I'd rather you just stayed away from Miss Kitty than pretend to know what you're doing. It'll just piss me off.

- Bitchassness. Nuff said.

Ladies, tell me what dries you up. Fellas, tell me what makes you...uh...limp...I guess? :-)

Go!

-b

Random Thoughts....Monday?

Happy Monday!

I know it's not Random Thoughts Thursday, I know this...but I'm all over the place today.

First...

The House of Representatives passed a sweeping overhaul of our health care system—a major victory for our President, and millions of Americans who want health care. We wanted change, we got it! The bill is far from perfect - and whether or not you agree with some of it, none of it, or all of it - this is history.

Second...

Congratulations to Annamaria (A-Buzz) and Austin (Powerz) on their engagement! Bust how he proposed...

He took Annamaria to see the play Platanos and Collard Greens (how apropos) for her "birthday." Afterwards, the playwright gets up to speak to the audience about the play and thank everyone for coming out, asking everyone to tell their friends to come see the play, blah blah blah. But then he says he has to give a birthday shoutout and asks if there is an Annamaria (insert last name) in the audience. Of course she's there, so he calls her to the stage to wish her a happy birthday. But oh no, it doesn't end there. He then tells her that there's someone who wants to say something to her. Powerz comes up on stage, gets down on one knee, and pops the question in front of a theater audience!! And we all know she said yes! Love, love, love that!



(men, are you taking notes?)

If there are any married men on here (and I know there are), tell us how you proposed to your wifey boo :-)

Anyway, congrats again to Annamaria and Austin!

Now that we got the happy stuff out the way, let's move on to some f*ckery shall we?

- Politicians spitting and yelling out racial slurs...what...the...f*ck. We elected these people? Really? There's a special place in hell for them. Send them all there with gasoline drawz on.

- Baby Killers? It's okay to kill them in war though right?...and we're funding THAT, and that's okay? Whatever.

- Should men have a say in abortion rights? That's a real question.

- What the hell is up with all these crazy jumpoffs? First all of Tiger's women done lost their damn minds putting out text messages all willy nilly. Now Jesse James' (Sandra Bullock's dirty, scruffy husband) side piece is posing with swastika's on her body, calling him her "vanilla gorilla." What the hell is wrong with these men and the women they choose to have as side "jawns?" (that's Philly slang). Unbelievable.

- I can't stand to hear Miley Cyrus speak. Her voice urks the sh*t outta me.

- Deebo is senile...I'm convinced :-)

- Someone needs to throw Elizabeth Hasselback off a cliff.

- Why does Tavis Smiley hate President Obama so much?

Okay...done with f*ckery...for now....

- I know everyone's brackets in the NCAA Tournament are all messed up. Kansas got knocked out! But my beloved Orangemen are still going strong...showing everyone how a REAL #1 seed does the damn thang! Go 'Cuse!

And finally, congrats to Serena who completed her marathon yesterday...running for cancer and in honor of her mother. She said she felt her mother's warmth emanating from the sun as she crossed the finish line, smiling down on her. I'm so proud of you Serena! You are my hero!





Okay...I think that's all I have for now...

Go!

-b

TGIF Sexy Survey!

TGIF Sexy Survey!

1. How many times have you had sex this week? (let's see who answers this) :-)

2. How much of your week would you like to spend having sex if you had a willing partner and enough time?

3. Do you think your friends believe your sex (life) is better or worse than it actually is?

4. Is sex more of a way for you to express your love, or to gratify your physical needs?

5. Which sex do you think has the most difficult role in dating? in marriage? in having sex?

6. If you were going to teach a virgin a sexual "trick" to use the first time they had sex - what would it be?

7. If you had to make love either in complete darkness, or where background noise would prevent speech and/or hearing, which would you prefer?

8. If your lover asked you to do something sexual that you found distasteful, would you try to overcome your feelings or simply refuse?

9. What character and personality traits are so important that you would never marry someone who you felt lacked them?

10. Should prostitution be legal?

Go!

-b

Random Thoughts Thursday!

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

Something about warm weather makes me all tingly on the inside :-) Gorgeous day today! I don't even know what I'm gonna do with myself!

- I think I was fondled on the crowded train this morning by some teenager. Little f*cker.

- Meanwhile, my ass hasn't felt that much action in a LONG time...so I guess I shouldn't be complaining :)

- Still a perverted little bastard though. Couple that with the lesbian who hit on me last night and I'm on a roll!

- According to my scale, I've lost 30 lbs since January 1st. Woo-hoo! It would be nice if I could actually SEE it though. But hey, I'll take it. We trained with Deebo for 2 hours last night, and I think my body is in shock!

- I'm always afraid my scale is gonna yell out "SIKE!" LOL!

- My ass hurts like the dickens today.

- I feel like shoe shopping.

- I got a new dvr at work and I've already pre-recorded all my shows. They should have never done that.

- I'm tired of food. I never thought I'd EVER say that. EVER.

- Maybe I'm just tired of healthy food :) But I made some banging fajitas for lunch today! Can't wait to eat them!

- I need to wiggle my toes in some sand on SOMEBODY'S beach. Like...yesterday.

- Finally getting my taxes done on Sunday.

- I'm babysitting my nephews this Saturday so my sister can have a girls' night out. We're gonna have so much fun! Can't wait!

- There's nothing like unconditional love.

- Isn't baby Sophia gorgeous!?

- I'm in a happy mood today!

- And this is Floyd's daughter - baby Brooke! Such a cutie pie!

GO!

-b

Great First Dates...Remember Those?

Happy Hump Day!

With spring time around the corner, and warm breezes tickling my nose, I begin to feel a bit tingly. Not moist between the thighs tingly (although that’s never a bad thing), but lovey dovey spring time tingly. First date tingly.

Ah…remember first dates?

I don’t mean “hang-outs.” I don’t mean “hook-ups.” I mean real, butterflies-in-your stomach first dates.

Who doesn't remember the nervousness, excitement or awkwardness of a first date? Wanting to make a good impression. Wondering if he or she will call again. When will the next date be? Recounting each moment, in detail, to friends afterward. Smiling from ear to ear the next morning after a wonderful night out. Like Eddie Murphy after his date in Coming to America – “to be loved, to be looooveeed.” That kinda feeling…



Whether it took place last night or decades ago, it's one of those things that folks don't often forget, whether you were 12 or 40 years old when it took place. Nothing feels as sweet as having a good first date. A real date - where there are no expectations, the conversation is flowing, holding hands is easy, the kisses are sweet, the company is great – and you never want the night to end. That’s a great first date. Remember those?

What was your best memory of a great first date? It’s almost spring time y’all!

-b

Who Pays for the Flight?

Happy Tuesday mi gente!

I was a bit tired and under the weather yesterday, so I took the day off from blogging. But I'm back! And with another "Dear Brookey" Facebook question. I swear, these are so interesting ;-)

Here goes:

Dear Brookey,


I've been talking to this guy for for about 3 months now. We met online, we talk on the phone everyday and email/IM constantly. We really seem to get along and we always hint at meeting each other. But the thing is he lives in another state where one of us has to get on a plane to see the other one. He keeps saying he'll check flights and that he would love for me to fly in to see him. But I also think he's waiting for me to offer to pay for the plane ticket. I've told him I'm open to it, but the discussion never goes any further. He has never offered to buy a ticket, but I think he should pay for the plane ticket first. Am I wrong?

It was so ironic that I got this email yesterday considering I was just having this conversation the night before with a friend. Long distance relationships can be tricky, especially when a flight is involved in order for one person to see the other - it's not like driving from Philly to New York.

But my issue with this scenario isn't necessarily the money though, it's with who should do the traveling. Call me a traditionalist, but I believe he should travel to see her first...no matter who pays for the ticket. I'm not saying women can't be dangerous, but something about a woman traveling alone on the first meeting to another state to see a guy she's only known for 3 months troubles me a bit. Maybe she can pay for him to come see her...and spend time in the comfort of her own home (assuming she lives alone), where people know to look for her in case she turns up missing.

She could get to his place, he turn out to be nuts, and/or he kicks her out...and then what? Not saying the same can't happen to him if he comes to see her, but I think a man is better suited to handle himself in that situation. I know she could have Pookie annem hiding in the closet waiting to rob him, but chances are she doesn't. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just think it's dangerous for her to make the first trip...regardless who pays.

But to answer her question - since she doesn't see any problem with going to visit him, then I don't see any reason why she can't pay for it. My guess is that if she pays her way out there to wherever he is, he will be planning and paying for what they do when she gets there. At least that would be fair anyway. If he's hosting her, then they can agree that he'll pay for the activities while she's there and they'll probably break even. After all, it IS a recession.

If this turns out to be a full-fledged, long distance relationship, it would be ridiculous to think that one person would finance the whole thing. Next time, he can pay to come see her...and she can plan the activities. Go dutch when you go out, or split the cost of the plane ticket. There has to be a lot of compromise and sharing when it comes to long distance boo's. Unless one of you is independently wealthy, no one person should be bankrolling an entire relationship - and a discussion about who pay for what, and what is realistic, needs to be had.

If she's just looking to travel to get her a lil sumptin sumptin, then she DEFINITELY should pay for the ticket. She's probably just worried about shelling out some dough and the sex is wack...which is understandable. But hey, it's a chance you take when you meet someone...no matter when or where. Personally, I think d*ck should be free...but that's just me. But if you want it, go on and git you some..and put it on your Visa. If it's wack, then at least you know there's no reason to go back...and you'll look for local peen next time. Jus sayin :-)

-b

Great Sex, Bad Marriage or Bad Sex, Great Marriage?

TGIF!!

Instead of my Friday Sexy Survey, I'd like to talk about the question of the day that was asked on the radio this morning. This question was addressed to women - Would you rather have great sex in a bad marriage, or terrible sex in a great marriage?

Now, I thought all the women would call in and say they would rather have the bad sex in a great marriage, but to my surprise, that wasn't the case at all. The majority of women who called in said they'd rather have the great sex...which totally baffled me.

Now don't get me wrong, I love sex as much as the next person...especially great sex. But who would want to have a bad marriage just cuz the d*ck is good? I mean, let's really think about that.

The women who called in were supposedly "keeping it all the way real." "I need that release!" "I can't be with no man that's wack in bed!" Blah blah blah.

But if these women were being really honest, they would have realized that most women tie sex and emotions together...so if you're unhappy in a marriage, chances are you don't wanna have sex with the person who's making you unhappy anyway. Kinda defeats the purpose, right?

I don't think these women who answered that they'd rather have great sex thought through all the scenarios that could make a marriage a bad one. I'm sure Ike and Tina had great sex too...until he started beating her ass. Chris Brown and Rihanna probably got it in too...til he bit her and put her in a headlock.

I'm not making light, I'm trying to show how BAD a marriage/relationship can be, and how no amount of good d*ck can make it better. If I associate a man's touch with pain because he physically abuses me, then how can I allow myself to be intimate with him? You give me a black eye one minute, then want to have sex the next? I think NOT.

And it doesn't have to be physical abuse - mental/emotional abuse can be just has hurtful. And if someone is constantly belittling you, breaking you down, and wearing at your self esteem, then chances are you're not going to want or enjoy sex with that person. How can you? I mean...is it just me?

I understand that some feel a marriage can't be great unless there's great sex in it. I get that. But if we're dealing in absolutes here, where the sex can never get better and you're stuck with it, that would presuppose that divorce isn't an option. So by that logic, who would want to be stuck in a bad marriage for the rest of their lives? If you live to be a 100, the sex will probably have stopped in the marriage a LONG time ago, and you'll be an old woman in a non-fulling marriage...who isn't even having great sex anymore. Now what?!

I'd rather buy a battery operated replacement and release on my own - and also have a great guy to share my life with. Great sex doesn't make for a great husband or father. Great sex doesn't have your back, take care of you when you're sick, tells you he loves you or provides a good home for your children and grandchildren to grow up in. And there's not enough good d*ck in the world that is worth my happiness and peace of mind.

But hey, that's just me...anyone else feel differently? Holla at me!

-b

Random Thoughts Thursday!

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I've been enjoying the 50+ degree weather we've been having here in the NYC - love it! It's cloudy today, but Spring will be here soon!

- Howard Stern is an asshole.


- What the hell is DMX's problem?



- I'm tired as hell today. I need to take my ass to bed at a decent time.

- Denise will be here tomorrow!

- Syracuse vs. Georgetown today at noon in the Big East Tournament! I'm ALL over that!

- Know what else I'm all over? The Maxwell/Jill Scott presale tomorrow! I think I'm gonna check them in Philly...gotta see Jill in Philly. But I may go twice if someone wants to treat me to the concert at the Garden :-)

- We've been training with Deebo for a month now...so far so good! Monica hurt her foot this morning though...yikes!

- Keep sending prayers to Serena and her family ...especially her Nana.

- My cousin asked me this morning what number is acceptable for how many men we've slept with at our age. That's a good question...I have to think about that.

- I'm tired of paying student loans. I want it to just be over already.

- So sad about Corey Haim. Not surprised though, he was on a downward spiral.

- I'm sad about Allen Iverson too. He's an alcoholic and a gambler. Money and athletes...who wants to write THAT blog?

- I was on Witches' Brew for a good hour yesterday just getting caught up. I LOVE Yolanda's blog! Oh...and that pic of Grace Jones disturbed me...just a bit.

- I miss my nephews :-(

- Who's going to the SU Reunion Party with us this weekend? It's gonna be fun!

Go!

-b

Wait Til YOU Have a Boss

Happy Hump Day!

So as I've mentioned before, this Saturday is the Syracuse Alumni Reunion Party. I'm looking forward to my girl Denise coming up to stay with me so we can celebrate my belated birthday, hang with friends and just have a great time. I reminded our other BFF that the party was this coming Saturday, and she said "oh wow, glad you reminded me, let me ask the boss (her husband) if it's okay."

"Ask the boss?"

Her: "Well, he thinks he's the boss."

"okay...but ask? Uh..ok then."

Her: "It should be fine."

That ladies and gentlemen, might be the reason I'm still single. I couldn't wrap my head around the "asking" part.

I told my sister about our conversation and how silly I thought it was that she would have to "ask" her husband if she could go somewhere. My sister's response?

"Wait til you get a boss."

Umm...I have a boss. I get a paycheck every 2 weeks from my boss. Last time I checked, wives don't work for their husbands...or do they?

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that when you have kids to raise together, you have to compromise on who's gonna stay home with the snotty-nosed, rusty behind little buggers. I get that. I'm not a complete asshole.

But I've always operated in relationships from a "consideration" standpoint, not a "permission seeking" one.

It always bothered me when a guy I used to date would ask me if he could go out with his boys. I understand that he was trying to be considerate, but I always felt like his mother. I'd look at him like "you's a grown ass man, GO!" And he always seemed so grateful, like I had just given him an allowance or something. It was odd to me.

But when it was my turn to "ask" - I wouldn't. I'd say, "This weekend my friends are having a get together, would you like to go with me?" If he said no, then I'd say "Well, I'd like to go. How would you feel if I went alone?" To me, that's different than asking permission. Asking how someone feels about your decision isn't the same to me as asking if you're allowed.

I know some of you are saying it's semantics. Asking, “Honey, is it OK if I...(fill in the blank)?” Or, “Can I...(fill in the blank)?” may sound the same to most of you as "How do you feel about me doing...?"

But for me, always being the one asking for permission makes you the child in the relationship, not a mutually respected adult. Asking questions that can elicit a "Yes" or "No" means that just because you don't want me out shaking my groove thang with my girls, I gotta sit home and sulk cuz I'm mad King Hercules won't let me go out. And eventually, I'll resent you for it. That's not how a relationship works...in my humble, single opinion.

I guess I've always viewed marriage as a partnerships of equals who collaborate. Well differentiated couples approach each other as adults, and respect each others' separate desires, requests, thoughts, feelings and needs. As collaborators, decisions and plans are made together, and collaborative adults live by consideration...not permission seeking.

"Honey, can I..." should be, “Honey, I want/would like/have begun planning (fill in the blank) and, want to know how that works for you. Any thoughts or feelings about that?” If he objects to you going out because that means he has to be left alone with his own demon spawn, then you can talk about that. But at least you won't feel like some kid asking Daddy if you can go to the playground. I'm not saying be a defiant bitch who walks around telling your man what you fittin' to do, but you're not a child either, and two adults should be able to co-exist without one being the "boss."

There should be no Adult/Child dynamic, no Boss/Employee nonsense going on. When you always have to ask, there's the binary response “yes’ or “no,”...followed by a fight, or go-along-to-get-along silence - which we all know might get you cut in your sleep if you're not careful. There has to be room for negotiation and compromise.

Maybe my friend didn't really have to "ask" and that was just the word she used. I can picture her saying something like, “I really want to go to the party with Brooke and I know it’s last minute, and I also realize that means you would have to watch the kids. I really need a break. How would you feel about that?"

And I'm sure her husband will tell her to go and have a good time.

I guess it was just the "asking" part that caught my self sufficient self off guard. When you've been single as long as I have, hearing an adult say that they have to ask another adult for permission to do something sounds totally foreign to me.

I know in marriages or committed relationships, you give up the "I" for "we" in most cases. And I get that. But that doesn't mean you stop having individual interests outside of your relationship. Considering how, and/or what, your partner feels and thinks about what it is you want should be part of the day-to-day logistics of the relationship. But that consideration isn't about someone being the boss. It's about you having an equally important voice as well, where you are free to say what you want without fear. And where you won't have to stab a fool because he or she told you "no."

I've never been in a relationship where asking for permission was the norm, and I don't plan on it. I know I might catch some heat for this post, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two...since it seems like I'm a long way off from having a "boss." :-)

-b

When Did MY Music Become "Old School?"

Happy Tuesday!

It's hard to believe that it's been 13 years since Biggie's death. I remember it like it was yesterday...time really does fly. I was listening to the radio this morning and the HOT 97 talent had a 15 year old male and female call in for some "Biggie Trivia." They wanted to know if these youngn's knew about the Notorious B.I.G. - arguably the greatest to ever do it.

They didn't know his real name was Christopher Wallace. They didn't know the name of his crew - Junior Mafia. They couldn't name the titles of his albums. It was sad.

The 15 year old boy's father was trying to help him by whispering the answers in the background. The boy said something about Biggie being "old school."

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks - when did MY music become "old school?" When did Biggie become (to a 15 year old) "my dad's music"?

I could see if they didn't know anything about Big Daddy Kane, or Kwame. But Biggie?? He was "old school" to them. Erik B and Rakim, Rob Base, EPMD...THEY might be considered old school...but BIGGIE?? How many years has to go by before something is considered old school?

I didn't think 13 years was that long ago. And if Biggie were alive today, he'd be killin' these young cats, just like Jigga. So does that mean Tribe Called Quest is old school now? The Fugees? Black Sheep? De La Soul?

I can remember vividly dancing to MC Lyte and The Beastie Boys in the 80's, with my asymmetrical haircut and acid wash jeans. THAT to me is old school.

But I can also distinctly remember going to see Tribe and De La Soul in college. We piled up a few car-loads of peeps to Colgate to go watch them perform in a gym. White kids and black kids in a mosh pit (I lie to you not)...and it was one of the hottest concerts I've ever been to in my LIFE!

THAT memory doesn't seem that old to me...but I guess maybe it is. Maybe it's because I still feel like I'm 27 (in my head), so the 90's don't seem that far removed to me. But alas, it's 2010, and that was over 15 years ago.

All these memories of my high school and college days were coming back to me in rapid succession as I listened to the Biggie tribute this morning...and now his songs are considered "Classics."

Again I ask, when did I get old...and how is MY music now considered "old school?" Ain't this about a b*tch!?

RIP Big

-b

Open Relationships/Marriages

Happy Monday!

So rather than write a long, drawn out blog - I have a question of the day. I asked this on Random Thoughts Thursday, and no one really answered, so I thought I'd ask again. Would you entertain being in an open relationship/marriage?

I ask this question based on Barbara Walters' interview with Mo'Nique on her Academy Awards Special Sunday night. Mo'Nique says,“Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker. That’s not something that would make us say, ‘pack your things and let’s end the marriage.’ ”



I've never been married, nor do I share children with anyone, so I can't speak to what would make me stay or leave if I was in that situation. The easy question would be "why get married in the first place?" But does marriage mean more than just monogamy? Is it about the connection? The family?

Would you be able to be in an open relationship? If so, what are the benefits besides just the sex? Why be in a relationship if it's an open one? Do you feel that monogamy is natural? Break it down!

Go!

-b

TGIF Sexy Survey!

TGIF!!

Friday Sexy Survey!

1. Where is your favorite place to be kissed?

2. Ice cubes or hot wax?

3. Describe your last sexy dream.

4. Strawberries and whipped cream or chocolate?

5. How do you flirt?

6. Are you a jealous person? (be honest)

7. Do you believe in love at first sight?

8. Have any of you ever laughed during sex?

9. If you had to choose something new for you and your partner to try the next time you had sex, what would it be?

10. What body type do you respond to most?

Go!

-b

Random Thoughts Thursday!

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I can't wait to feel 50 degrees this weekend! It's gonna feel tropical out there!!!

- So I'm watching The View and they're talking about Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie filming a love scene together, and how his long time girlfriend doesn't want him anywhere near Angelina. Do any of you think she's a home wrecker? Maybe Johnny Depp's girlfriend should be on set when the love scene is filmed, so that she doesn't have to worry about Angelina stealing her man...at least not in her face anyway :-)

- Do any of us really care if Gov. Patterson went to a Yankee game for free? Really?

- This is our fourth week training with Deebo and I STILL get sore after our workouts. Does that mean he's doing something right, or am I THAT out of shape?

- I have my cute booty cords on today though :-) oooowwww!

- I call them my cute booty cords because they make me LOOK like I have a booty. I don't. Monica has seemingly solved my booty dilemma though...by suggesting I cop a pair of "Booty Pop Panties!" I need to get my hands on these asap!

- Deebo asked me to lift my shirt so he could see my butt. I told him I needed to get my booty in shape, so he goes, "let me see it." I have bad knees, so I can't do lunges and squats that much, so he has to think of other ways to give me a booty. Until then, "Booty Pop" it is!

- I think our trainer is getting too comfortable with us...even though he still kicks our ass.

- I love having my hair twisted, makes working out so much easier!

- Mo'Nique is on the Barbara Walters Oscar Special talking about her and her husband's open marriage. Would any of you cosign that?

- I've been listening to Kanye in the gym lately, good treadmill and elliptical music.

- Sade is still at the top - she's the HOTNESS!

- My nutritionist says Monica and I can have 2 "treats" a week now - fat-free, sugar-free jello with fruit, or angel food cake with non-fat cool whip. Why does that sound SO GOOD to me??!! That's gonna be my birthday cake this weekend!

- I can't wait to see my family, I miss them! Especially my lil boobadoos! :-)

- If you're gonna be in the city on March 13th, come celebrate my birthday (late) with me at the Syracuse Reunion party! No, you don't have to be alum to go, and it's at a club called BLVD. Watch SU murda dem in the Big East tournament, then come out. My girls (Denise is coming up!) are gonna party with me...so join us! Latinegro will be there too! Who else??

Let's go!

-b

Loose Lips

Happy Hump Day!

I don't even feel like blogging today - how do I even BEGIN to top yesterday's discussion?? Fury was a hit! I think I'll just turn my blog over to him on TMI Tuesdays :-)

Anyway, since I have a hard act to follow, can we just talk about women who tell too much of their damn business? Now, I've been accused of being tight-lipped, vague, private...even secretive. I don't believe that to be true, but I think what I DO consider myself to be...is a bit discreet. I can be very forthright when I want to be, but I'm not that way with everyone. And when it comes to men I'm dating, seeing, etc., I pick and choose wisely what I want to share, and how much I divulge on any given subject.

But a good friend of mine believes in total disclosure. She thinks that's her way of being "honest." While I don't LIE about my personal business, I don't spill it all willy nilly either. What prompted this topic today was a conversation I had with her last night. She told me that she thinks the guy she's been seeing may look at her differently now that she told him how many men she's slept with. Yes, you read that right...and she was honest about the number.

WTF Wednesday...here we go.

huh? why would you do that?

Her: "Well, I wanted to be honest...begin with a clean slate."

First of all, what guy still asks that question in this day and age? Really?

Second. There are ways to answer that question without telling the number, or lying. You can say, "I've been with just enough to not suck at it." Or you can smile and say, "A lady never tells...and I'm a lady."

Or my favorite. "Why do you wanna know?"

If he presses the issue, give him a kiss and distract him by saying, "The number doesn't matter since none of my exes were nearly as sexy as you Big Daddy."

That gets 'em every time :-)

She claims she doesn't "think fast on her feet" like I do - even though my answers weren't that clever if you ask me. I think women have been asked that question enough to know how to answer it by now. "How many men have you slept with?" is right up there with "Am I the best sex you've ever had?"

And guess what? If he's not the best sex you've ever had, don't tell him THAT either! Now, that may require a little fib to save his ego, but I'm sure a woman would want him to lie too if SHE wasn't the best sex he's ever had either. Just say yes and make him feel like the stud that he is.

While we're at it, here are some more things you should never tell...or admit:

1. Where you learned your signature sex move. If he didn't teach you, you don't have to tell him that the guy who was the best sex you ever had showed you how to twist your body or move your mouth like that. I'm sure he's figured out that you weren't born with that skill...so don't offer up anything else. Trust me, he could care less, so long as you're using that move on HIM now.

2. Don't tell him that you still think about your ex...especially sexually. That's a given - No dude wants to think that you see your ex's face while you're doing the nasty.

3. Don't tell him that you think his best friend is hot either. He'll never invite you to watch the game with him and his boys ever again.

4. Don't tell him that you occasionally snoop through his phone, his email, his call log, or go through his pockets while he's asleep. Obvious, I know - but I know a few chicks who have let it "slip" that they "saw" something on his phone that she shouldn't have. It's your secret.

5. Please, please, please! Don't tell him that you once had sex with your best male friend. Continue to let him think that you look at your friend like a play cousin...even if you still occasionally envision him naked.

I'm sure you can think of more, so I'll stop here. There are just some things that should remain a mystery...like how you get the hair off your va-jay-jay if you don't wax, or what you look like when you're sick, drunk or hungover. Don't tell him when you have gas or that you bleach your mustache. Men don't need to know everything, just like there are some things men should keep from us. Don't ask any questions you're not willing to answer yourself, and if you do - have your answers (or lies) prepared. Other than that, just let him wonder how you manage to be perfect all the time :-)

-b

World Domination

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Well, you all asked for it...so here he is. I don't even know how to introduce a man who needs no introduction...at least not on MY blog anyway. Here he is, with his sexy, nasty self :-)

World Domination...by Fury

"I'm the dominant one, call me the prominent one" - Guru


I like to dominate women.

I like to take charge and manhandle her a little. I like to spank her. I enjoy holding her small neck in my hand just tight enough to elicit a slight gasp and fill her up until she moans...for more.

You'd be shocked how many women like to be dominated. You'd be even more shocked to know who...

What I've done in my past can only be called "light domination." I know and have met those that have participated in full domination. Once I had a conversation with a true to life dominatrix who opened her rather large, very expensive purse and showed me that she keeps a ball gag just in case she has to muzzle a man...or woman.

But admittedly the thought of dominating a dominatrix aroused me. She asked me if I wanted to wear her ball gag.

"No thanks." I said.

Outside of it being a strange, apparatus of unknown cleanliness, I could only imagine turning the tables on her and making her my sub. It's hard for me to imagine always being in control and not having someone challenge you. Surely she needed that sometimes.

These are the women that normally succumb and relinquish their power when we're behind closed doors. The women that are sick and tired of telling people what to do. The ones that shout "man up!" so much you think they've grown a set of balls all their own. I enjoy bringing them to where they want to be. A place where they need to be.

Don't get me wrong, it fully turns me off if a woman does something she doesn't WANT to do. I need her to want it. I need her to need it.

I've dominated some of the strongest, most outspoken women you can imagine. Heads of departments, sassy "take no shit" types, loudmouth "angry" women. Behind closed doors, I've caressed her slowly, kissed her softly then growled in her ear with a whisper...

"Get on your f#cking knees.."

Some of you reading this are turned off and appalled. Others are shocked and preparing your angry response.

...Then there are those of you that have perked up..in more ways than one.

Hello, welcome to the game...

Controlling women tend to make the best sex partners for me. For all the headache of constant back and forth on the smallest of debates, there are those moments when she screams for more as my hand slaps her behind. Being The Fury is about pleasing - and in this world of sissfied, skinny jeans wearing, metrosexuals, many women appreciate a quiet guy in public that transforms into The Sexual Hulk in private. You have to trust and be comfortable with someone dominating you. Being open and letting "your freak flag fly" is key.

Trust is important. It's why when the command is given, she slowly descends to her knees biting her bottom lip expecting the best. The aroused look in her eyes tells me not to mess up the house after I've just been given the keys and the code to the alarm. It's why my next comment isn't angry or demeaning..it's most likely sweet... especially if she's too sexy to bear. I've found myself sighing....

"You look so pretty down there."

Then I tell her what to do with her mouth.

I've tied her up. Slapped her with it... Made her scream... Left not so easily hidden bite marks on visible places... I've held her down, held her up, forced her on top and given her the best pounding she could receive after a bad day at work. It's a give and take...this dominating business.

It's a dare to trust. It's a dare to fall backward with your eyes closed, your hands across your chest waiting for the person to catch you...

... I'll catch you just as you've gasped and nearly reached the floor. My hands lifting you to safety then I'll say...

"Stay down there...and crawl to me." With my eyes devilish and my bottom lip tucked in my mouth...

They call me The Fury...and I'm waiting

...or shall I crawl to you?

- The Fury

http://dirtydetails.blogspot.com
http://www.twitter.com/thedirtydetails

Ex in the City

Happy Monday everyone!

So, I have another "Dear Brookey" to share, courtesy of Facebook. Let's get to it shall we?

Dear Brookey,

You won't believe what happened last night. I was out at a friend's birthday party and who happened to be there? My ex...along with his date. It was no surprise that he's already started dating other people. We were quite open about our intentions on moving on. When we broke up, it was hard. I wanted to end it, because in my heart, I knew he wasn't the one. However, I wasn't prepared for how his reaction would be when we finally saw each other. He was cold and actually quite rude when I came up to say hi. So rude, in fact, that he came over later to apologize - but nonetheless, he made himself look like an ass. His date did not have to have any idea of how we knew each other until he made things awkward. He's supposed to be an "actor." So what I want to know is where were his "acting abilities" last night? Did I mention that just last week he was calling me telling me how much he loved me and wanted to hang with me? I guess it's never easy seeing your ex after a break-up, but did he have to hang out in my backyard?!?! He knew that was my part of town and my spot that I usually frequent. Anyway, had to share.

As someone who shares the same city with an ex...or two...I can totally relate. As big as NYC is though, it took a couple of years before I actually ran into him. I always thought I'd dread that moment, but when it finally happened, I was fine with it. There was no real awkward moment, we both had moved on, and I was actually quite happy to see him after all that time.

But that may not be the case for most people who share a city with an ex. You could run into each other at a mutual friend's party, at a concert, Starbucks - at any time, anywhere. You could experience a full range of emotions - and depending on how the other person reacts, it could be pleasant...or you could want to stab him in the eye with with one of your high heels.

There are a gazillion possibilities as to how you'll feel, but there should be one overall way to react. If you have an ex in the city, a run-in may be inevitable - especially if you share mutual friends - so here are some Do's and Don'ts on how to behave when you run into your ex.

1. DON'T Run. If you saw him, that means he saw you. Or someone saw you see him. While taking flight may be your first reaction, it makes you look silly...or pathetic. Stay put and be confident. Be strong!

2. DO look GOOD! What better way to make him feel like the idiot he is than by reminding him what he’s missing out on? But that's only if you KNOW there's a chance you may see him. Now, you MAY run into him at the grocery store or Starbucks with your sweats on and a hat on your head. In that case, just be extra charming and act like nothing is bothering you - making him wonder why he let you go in the first place. If he's with his new girl, he'll wonder why his new boo isn't as cool and laid back as you are. No matter what you look like, be sweet and engaging. Confidence is sexy.

3. DO be nice to his date. If you're still angry, this is not the time or place to act a fool. I know you wanna punch her in the face or accidentally spill your drink on her, but don't do it. You'll just look like a bitter bitch. Don't cut her any dirty looks or be rude like ole boy was in the "Dear Brookey" scenario. Don't trip her when she walks by. Kill them with kindness and then walk away. Go talk to someone else and meet new people. Go away and move on. You can talk to your friends later about how ugly she was and how she's no where near as cute as you are :)

4. DON'T talk him (them) to death. Say hi, be classy, and keep it moving. Make that man think you have better places to be and better things to do with your time than spending it talking to him. This also keeps you from saying something stupid and making yourself look like an ass. And don't talk to everyone ELSE about him either. If you go around talking to your friends about how awkward it is that he's here, it'll get back to him - and it may make them feel weird too. And they'll think you're not over it. Don't say, "Oh, I'm SOOO over him" but then proceed to talk about him and his ugly date all night. No one cares. And if they DO ask you about him or how you feel, play it off. No one will make a big deal out of it if you don't.

5. DON'T flirt with him. No backsies. Like Martin Lawrence said, "If that shit is supposed to be over then let it be over!" Besides, it may make you look desperate and make him feel more awkward than he already does - especially if he's there with someone or trying to mack someone else. Besides, you don't want him back anyway remember? Beat it dude, you had your chance! Let him go.

The bottom line is, you're bound to run into an ex if you live in the same town/city, so deal with it. It's life. Whether it was a bitter break up or not, all you have to do is remember why you're not with the ex in the first place. Sure, seeing someone may make you want them back, especially if they're looking great and happy. But chances are, you broke up for a reason...so let it go. You can't hide forever, nor should you expect your ex to. Be an adult and know that these things happen. You can't always control where or when you run into your ex, but you can control how you act when you do...no matter how you feel. Living a happy life is the best revenge, so if you focus on YOU after a breakup, seeing him or her again - no matter when or where - will be no big deal.

-b