Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hey everyone!

I neglected to mention I was on vacation this week, so I'm taking a break from blogging. But I wanted to take some time to thank you all for following my blog and posting your comments all year, every day. It means more to me than you can possibly know! I feel like I have my own little blog family in all of you, and hearing from and interacting with you all is the highlight of my day...every day :-)

I want to wish you all a wonderful new year and I look forward to nothing but continued blessings, great health, prosperity, wonderful friendships and new experiences for us in 2010!

Enjoy and be safe!!

-b

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Magic

Merry Christmas Eve!

Whatever your beliefs, or non-beliefs, some could argue that there seems to be a bit of magic in the air around Christmas time. Maybe it's because everyone is in the holiday spirit, spreading good will and cheer, and being a little extra nice as the new year approaches.

It's especially gratifying to see this magic in the eyes of a child. And even though my nephews are Muslims and don't celebrate Christmas, even THEY seem to have that extra sparkle. I think it's just the season of giving and love.

While we should celebrate generosity and love all year round - I must admit I love the feeling of Christmas. Decorating my tree, listening to Christmas music, addressing Christmas cards, hot cocoa, spending time with family and friends - all of that just makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

I thank my family - particularly my mother - for instilling that Christmas spirit in me as a child, and I hope to one day pass that along to a child I may have one day. While Christmas should be about giving and not receiving, I look forward to the day when a child of mine wakes up to a lit tree wondering if Santa ate the cookies we left out for him - looking for reindeer dust. I look forward to him or her watching Rudolph, Frosty, The Grinch and A Charlie Brown Christmas - all the things that bring wonder to a child's imagination and a twinkle to their eye - making their hearts burst with joy.

As many of us grow older and begin families of our own, the magic of Christmas and the excitement of this special season can sometimes get lost in all the commercialism of the holidays. Decorating, putting up lights and standing in all the long lines at the mall can easily become a nuisance - and slowly start to take away our Christmas spirit. The very activities that once made Christmas so fun and special for us as children simply become a hassle to us as we grow into adults.

Don't let that happen. Don't forget why you believe this season is special. If you have children, simply watching how excited they get around this time of year should reignite the flame of Christmas joy. Children naturally seem to have it, whether they expect gifts or not. Tell them the reason for the season - love, giving and fellowship. Christmas is more than Santa and Rudolph, and definitely more than toys and material things. It's a wonderful feeling, sprinkled with a little Christmas joy that lives inside you and has always been there.

This season, spend time with family and friends, donate your time to a shelter, give to a family in need and spread a little Christmas magic - and continue to spread it all year round.

-b

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Hump Day everyone!

Since Thursday is Christmas Eve, I decided to do Random Thoughts Wednesday again since most of you won't be around, last minute shopping or spending time with family. I'll be lurking tomorrow and will still post a blog on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but if I don't "see" you - have a wonderful holiday!

Now...

If you're in the Northeast, you know we got hit hard with snow this past weekend. And if you were a 49er's fan in Philly this past Sunday, you might have gotten hit hard with a snowball:



I know, I know...so wrong. I'm not saying I'm proud of it or condone it - but folks gotta know by now what they're getting themselves into when they step into the Linc surrounded by crazy, drunk Eagles fans. You should be able to cheer for any team you like without worrying about getting hit with snowballs...or bottles...or batteries - but it's Philly. Ah well...

But THIS snowball fight just seemed like FUN!



Only in NYC.

- They said we had "thunder snow" this past weekend. Da hell!?

- This whole week, I saw no fewer than 3-4 people a day having FULL conversations with themselves on the train and on the street. And the sad part is, I don't think they were "crazy." I looked for earpieces to see if they were on their cell...but no...they weren't. They must've just had a lot on their minds - and didn't care who saw them looking a little coo-coo.

- My Christmas tree is pretty :-) I just have to keep my cat from knocking the balls off the bottom limbs - he likes to roll them around.

- My mother is coming to NYC for Christmas, I can't wait to see her tomorrow! It's our first Christmas in NY and we're going to my best friend Val's house for dinner. Gonna be great!

- Why is Mom nervous about taking the train though? She thinks she's gonna get lost. How???

- Is it bad that I had chocolate covered pretzels for breakfast?

- RIP Brittany Murphy.

- Did anyone hear about the EMT's who refused to help a 25 year-old pregnant woman when she went into distress because they were on their "break?" The woman and her unborn baby died - and she leaves behind a 3 year-old son. Where was their humanity? Unbelievable. The EMT's may face charges - and I support that.

- T.I. is out of jail - and in a half-way house. I bet Tiny's lil ass is happy :-)

Go!

-b

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Tuesday!

Only three days before Christmas, and it got me thinking...have any of your "boo's" suddenly vanished?

A friend and I were discussing this the other day. She said she noticed that all the guys that usually call, text or email her on a regular basis have fallen off - and seemingly just as December rolled in. None of them have asked how she's been, sent their daily "hey sexy" texts or asked her what she's doing for New Year's Eve. Nothing. Poof! They're gone.

I told her I wasn't surprised. Most men and women who disappear around the holidays either don't want to buy you a gift, or they're spending the holidays with their REAL boyfriend/girlfriend. It happens, and after St. Paddy's day, they come sniffing around again - just in time for the first warm breeze.

But what if you're in a relationship with someone already, and you know it's run its course - do you wait til after the holidays to break up? Or do you do it before so that you can save yourself the trouble (and money) of buying a gift for someone that you know you're on the outs with?

My answer to that is simple - break up before the holidays. I know some may think that's cruel, and it may hurt them now, but put them (and yourself) out of their misery. There's no need to try to fake the funk, buy gifts that you really don't want to give (unless you genuinely are friends regardless of any problems in the relationship) and spend time with someone you really don't want to spend time with. Holidays are usually for family, so they'll have their family to comfort them - and you don't have to bring him or her around YOUR family for Christmas dinner. You can bring in the new year with a clean slate, and they'll get over you just in time to find someone else to spend Valentine's Day with.

And don't keep someone around just so you can RECEIVE a gift. That's just tacky :-)

Most likely, the person you want to break up with knows what the deal is - they know something isn't right as well - so the break up will probably not come as a surprise. Besides, holding off a break up simply for the sake of a holiday will just drag it out - there will never be a good time. You can't say, "Well, breaking up before Christmas is mean...I'll wait til New Year's." And then New Year's will come, and you'll want to wait til afterwards so that they don't associate New Year's with a break up and deem you an asshole. So then Valentine's Day rolls around, and you'll be a jerk for doing it right before or after Valentine's Day. And if you're Irish, maybe breaking up around St. Patrick's Day is in poor taste too :-) Then Easter, then Memorial Day, when will it end??!!!

Just get it over with already. And if you're one of those guys or gals that breaks up with someone just for the holidays hoping to get back together later just so you can avoid buying a gift - then keep it movin'! Don't show up or send me a text in April talking about, "I miss you, I've been thinking about you"... cuz my NEW BOO might be around ;-)

Hey...jus sayin ;-)

-b

Monday, December 21, 2009

Happy Snowy Monday...well...here in NYC and most other places in the northeast today. One thing I appreciated about winters in Syracuse when I was in school was how well they cleared off the streets and sidewalks. In Queens...not so much.

Anyway...I got another "Dear Brookey" email on Facebook - this time from one of Ms. Penn's friends. She identified herself as "not one of her 'shallow' friends"...which I thought was cute :-) The timing was perfect, because I didn't have any idea what to blog about today. So, with that said...let's get to it!

Dear Brookey,

My name is Courtney and I wanted to reach out to you for some advice. I am one of Ms. Penn's friends, but not one of her "shallow" friends :-) I thought you gave great advice to her last week, so I thought I'd tell you of my dilemma to see what advice you had for me. I talked this over with Ms. Penn and she gave me her take on it, but we both wanted to see what you had to say.

I've been dating this guy for a couple months. When we first met, I asked all the obligatory questions - are you married?, do you have kids?, etc. He answered "no" to both of those questions. We started going out and one thing led to another.

Fast forward to this past weekend and he's telling me he had to brave the snow storm to go Christmas shopping. When I asked him what gifts he felt were so necessary that he had to go out in a blizzard to get, he said he had to finish shopping for his son. SON?? What son???

When I told him he lied to me about having kids, he said he never said he didn't and that I never asked. I reminded him of our conversation and he said he "must not have heard me." But he DID hear me because if he didn't hear me, he wouldn't have answered me. He THEN told me that asking someone about their kids is a personal question and he wanted to get to know me better before he started divulging information about his family.

I now feel like he can't be trusted and I'm hurt that he lied to me. Having a child isn't a dealbreaker for me, but lying is. The trouble is, I've already really started to like him. What should I do - leave him alone, or continue to see him and get to know his son?

Courtney -

I feel like the answer to this question is easier than Ms. Penn's question last week. I've been through something similar, so I understand where you're coming from. That said, I'd leave him alone. I know this may be easier said than done, but you already said it...you don't trust him, and lying is a dealbreaker for you.

I can understand why a man (or woman) might lie about being married. Clearly, he'd want you to think he was available and is afraid that if you learn he's married, you wouldn't give him the time of day. So I get that. Not saying it's right, but that makes sense to me.

But why a man would lie about his child is something else. Denying a child is just wrong.

I guess they use the same logic about wanting to appear available, or more desirable. There are some women who won't date a man with a child, so maybe he assumed you were one of those women. He may have wanted to make you like him first before he told you, or maybe he wanted to have sex with you and figured he would bed you before you found out. Since you two have taken it to that level already, blurting out that he had to buy gifts for his son probably didn't phase him because he feels that he bagged you already.

Asking someone their marital status or if they have children isn't a personal question - at least not to me it isn't - especially not in the "getting to know you" phase of a relationship. Asking someone if they're "happily" married might be intrusive - or asking how many baby mama's he has might be getting more invasive - but simply asking if he's married or has children isn't. That's a yes or no answer, and it's up to you to decide what to do with that information.

A person who is married or has kids won't be able to hide that for long, so being upfront in the beginning serves in everyone's best interests so that no one wastes their time. If a man or woman refuses to date you because of your marital status or because you have kids, that's THEIR decision...and you have to respect it. Tricking someone into dating you with false information, or attempting to deceive them is wrong - and it could backfire on you.

You didn't mention if he wanted to continue seeing you or not, but I'm assuming he does since you're torn on this issue. But I'd take a step back from him - especially since he lied AGAIN once you confronted him about his lying. He lied, then backpedaled...and it seems to me he can't be trusted and that he isn't mature enough to be honest within a relationship.

He should be proud of his son - and if he had sincere intentions on getting to know you, he would have been honest from the beginning so that he wouldn't jeopardize losing your trust later. Now he has to work to gain it back, which is one of the hardest things to do after you've deceived someone. If you know in your heart that you genuinely don't trust him, then you'll just doubt everything he says going forward - whether you know it or not - and that's not fair to either of you. If he'd lie about having a child, then there's no telling what else he'd lie about. If you've only invested a couple months, I'm not sure it's worth trying to make it work. Cut your losses and bounce.

-b

Friday, December 18, 2009

TGIF!!!

As Pretty Ricky would say, "it's colder than a witch's tit outside!" Or was that Fury? Who knows...stay warm!

Anyway...it's my Friday Sexy Survey!

1. Do you suck toes and/or fingers? Do you like it done to you?

2. If a month before your wedding your partner asked you to sign a prenup, would you? How would you react?

3. Could you fall in love with someone you weren't attracted to physically?

4. If starting now you could have $500 a day until you next touched your lover, how long do you think you could avoid physical contact?

5. What is the shortest amount of time it took you to have sex with someone you just met? The longest?

6. Are any of you repulsed by oral sex, but still do it anyway?

7. Do you find emotional or physical pain more difficult to handle? For example, would you suffer more by going through life afflicted with severe, recurring migraines, or by having your heart broken again and again?

8. Roughly how many times do sexual thoughts come into your mind in an average day?

9. Name one thing that turns you off during sex - what should someone NOT do to you?

10. Fingers or no fingers?

Go!

-b

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I can't believe Christmas is next Friday! Happy Holidays everyone!

- It's BRICK outside!

- My Jersey Shore nickname is "B-Cat." I like it! Thanks Yolanda!

- There's too much food in my office. People keep sending holiday goodies - cookies, cakes, brownies, you name it. Not good.

- I know you all heard about this nonsense:



My mother would have snatched that teacher bald-headed. Pure fuckery.

- I love a man with sexy ass lips..YUM!

- Do men ever dream about their wedding day?

- I hugged someone and got their stinky perfume on me. It's giving me a headache. Hugs are great though :-)

- Men with beards but no mustache look funny to me. Especially if they have sideburns...and a bald head.

- Tiger Woods was named the Athlete of the Decade. "Transgressions" or not, I can't argue with that.

- Mo'Nique and Gabourey Sidibe snagged Golden Globe nominations for Precious - and Morgan Freeman was nominated for Invictus. That's awesome! They deserve it.

- Do any of you buy Christmas gifts for your coworkers? and I don't mean as part of an office Secret Santa - but on your own? People are giving me stuff today and I feel bad because I only give everyone cards. I work with too many people - is that enough? What to do??

- The woman who sits next to me talks SO LOUD. I think she has a hearing problem. Yet, if I breathe too loud, she's huffing and puffing. Really?!

- Kinda digging Alicia Keys new cd so far. Need to get MJB now.

- Elf Yourself and send to all your friends...including me! Go!


-b

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What's crackalackin peoples!?

So...I checked my inbox today on FB, and I received a random "Dear Brooke" email from a woman I don't even know. I guess that's what happens when you accept every friend request that comes through - hey, I'm a friendly person...what can I say :-)

She seems like a cool person though, so I asked her if I could make her question my blog topic for today - and she said yes...so here goes!

Dear Brooke,

You don't know who I am even though you accepted my friend request. I follow your blog daily and think you give pretty good advice and have a sensible head on your shoulders, so I wanted to pose a question to you. I really like this guy I recently met. We get along great, he's funny and he's smart - but more in a "street-smart" sort of way. The only problem is, my friends don't think I should "date down." He works for UPS, has a high school diploma, but has never been to college - (I have 2 degrees from UPenn). He doesn't "dress" the way other guys I have dated dress (conservatively or stylishly) and he doesn't like plays, art, poetry or anything "cultured." (Their words, not mine) I love all those things, but it doesn't bother me that he isn't into any of them. He listens to rap music, plays video games and uses a lot of slang. But at the end of the day, he treats me well, we have a good time, he's never been married and he has no children. He's never been to jail, he works hard and I feel safe with him. He loves his family, and has a good heart. My friends don't think he would "fit in" with my group of friends, and they feel that I'm settling and that I can do better. What should I do?

Wow.

I think the answer is pretty simple - do what makes you happy and tell your "friends" to back off. That's the easy answer...but may not be easy to do.

I suspect you're asking me what to do because you care about what your friends think, and subconsciously you may be having some reservations yourself. I'm not sure what you have in common, but I'm sure you had to at least think about the things that you DON'T have in common. If it truly doesn't bother you that you're not into the same things - and it doesn't bother him - then just enjoy the man and have fun.

It's hard to find a guy (or woman) who makes us feel good, who we have fun with, who we feel comfortable with and who makes us laugh. Don't give that up simply because you have shallow friends. They're not dating him, YOU are. If you two just met, then give it some time to see what develops. Your friends are acting like you're going to marry the man tomorrow. It's a bit premature for anyone to be saying ANYTHING about this budding relationship. Just go with the flow, and if he continues to make you feel happy, then your friends should be happy for you simply because YOU are happy. If they're not, then maybe the relationship you should re-evaluate is the one you have with your so-called friends.

I understand why women want to date men who they feel is on or above "their level" in terms of education, career, success, etc. They say that women seek men who can serve as good providers during the period when they will be concentrating on mothering their children. It may also be argued that, even though a woman has a more successful career than a man, she will still be far more likely than him to want to serve as the primary caretaker for their children. For these reasons, it's said that "dating down" will never work. Whatever that means.

It sounds to me like your friends care more about titles and appearances than what is in man's heart. If he works hard, loves his family, treats you well and makes you feel safe, THOSE are the qualities you should look for in a potential husband and father - not what his university alma mater is. A man can have a gang of degrees, make six-figures at a high powered job and frequent museums and be all "cultured" - and still be an asshole. The corporate CEO may not make a great father because he might not be around. And just because a man makes alot of money doesn't mean he knows what to do with it - or that he'd share it with you.

And not for nothing, that UPS guy probably makes more money than LOTS of people with a college degree...if that's what you care about. Let's be real here...jus sayin.

Not everyone who graduated from college is intelligent, and not everyone who didn't go to college is stupid. I knew plenty of idiots in college, and some of the smartest people I know didn't go to college at all. Having a degree means you're educated, not intelligent...there's a difference.

I say all that to say - do YOU. Have fun. Explore your new relationship and don't worry about what your friends think. Your true friends will be happy that you've found someone who makes you smile. And for those "friends" who don't support you...they can (say it with me)...KICK ROCKS!

-b

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Happy Tuesday!

So we've been asking Rameer for months now to write a "Bitchassness Blog." He has said that a blog like that would be too broad, and potentially too long, to write - which is understandable. So, what I've decided to do, should any man decide to take on the challenge, is submit blogs about cases or examples of "bitchassness" that are running rampant in our community. First to accept this challenge is your boy Jay. Let's go!


The Definition of Bitchassness...by Jay


I totally feel Rameer when he says the subject of bitchassness is a broad one. I think before any blog can be written about it, we need to define it - because it has so many meanings and can encompass so many things. The Urban Dictionary defines "Bitchassness" multiple ways:

bitchassness.

1.Term coined by Diddy on Making the Band. Overall stank actions towards others through words, facial expressions, and/or song. Symptoms include: thinking your better than those around you, not speaking your true feelings, throwing large amounts of shade.

2. Newly discovered disease running rampant, especially in the black community. Symptoms include: 1.punkish tendencies (see pussy) 2. cattiness, such as talking behind someone's back 3. thinking highly of yourself, but only expressing it under your breath 4.claiming "hurt feelings" when you are called out on your bullshit

3. 1.Whining or throwing little pussy fits 2. Having your feelings hurt too easy 3. A HATER 4. acting "salty."

4. A type of negative emotion; hateration; to be/act like a bitch or a coward about a situation. Throwing shade because you can't do something about your situation. Crying like a bitch about simple shit. The act of being a bitch, unable to pull your skirt up and handle your shit.

I'll stop there. And the bolded areas are what I want to discuss today when it comes to men and expressing ourselves relationships.

We all know that men aren't as good as women are sometimes when it comes to expressing our feelings. We tend to hold them in - and when we let them out, we're not always smooth about it. But when you're in a relationship, you don't always have the luxury of being selfish and not putting your feelings on the table - especially when the other person is owed an explanation for something you did, are NOT doing, or could be doing better.

Now, a REAL man will speak his mind, and be respectful and tactful about it. He won't blame others for his shortcomings. He'll listen to his woman - not blame her for her feelings or be dismissive of them. And when he's addressed, he won't be an asshole in his response, and he won't make the other person feel like it's her fault that we acted like a jerk.

Women and men are different. Figuring out a woman can be the hardest thing in the world. Their feelings are complex, sometimes they over-analyze, or think too much. But if you love someone, it's your job to try to figure them out as best you can. Not easy, but necessary. And if you truly pay attention to the woman you're seeing, it's not always that hard if she expresses herself to you. Yes, there are some women who want you to "get them." They want you to read their minds. But it's mostly because men are dumb and women expect us to think, and feel and rationalize as they do. I get it. That's just a woman "thing."

But when MEN do that, it's straight bitchassness.

Nothing is worse than a man who throws shade at a woman because he wants her to ask him, "What's wrong?" or "What did I do?" Nothing is worse than a man who can't speak his mind and tell you what's bothering him. Nothing is worse than a man who displays "woman" tendencies. And I mean that in the most respectful way possible :-)

It's time for men to man up in relationships...and if you can't, then don't be in one. You're not in junior high school anymore, and the games should have stopped being played back when your voice was beginning to change. Men AND women who play games are wack...but even more so when a man does it simply because it's a punk way of existing.

Everyone wants to feel wanted and appreciated. But to try to trick your way into getting that response from someone just to feel secure or validated is stupid...and weak. Women are not daycare workers or therapists, so they shouldn't be babying you or holding your hand asking you what the problem is. Grow up, MAN UP, and tell her what's on your mind instead of trying to make someone figure out why your punk ass is acting like a bitch.

Real men know what I'm talking about, and if you think I'm talking about you, then I am.

- Jay

Monday, December 14, 2009

Happy Monday!

I'm tired as hell today, but for good reason. I was up late last night watching the battle between the EAGLES and the Giants. It was a great game, and in case you missed it...here are the highlights. GO EAGLES!!!

Now...on to the blog.

At Rameer's suggestion, I watched a couple episodes of MTV's new series Jersey Shore. All I can say is, that show is a hot ass mess! Spiked hair, spray on tans, deep "joisy" accents...the epitome of the "guido" stereotype at its finest. Here are a couple of clips if you haven't seen it:




Now, I don't normally watch shows like this - no matter who the people are. I didn't watch Flavor of Love. I didn't watch I Love New York. I didn't watch Rock of Love, Tila Tequila, Daisy, Chance or any other buffoonery on tv. It's just not my thing. I can see their "train wreck" entertainment value, but I just never seem to get into it. And Jersey Shore will be no exception.

What I find interesting is Italian American organizations are all upset at how Italian Americans are portrayed in Jersey Shore. And I can't say that I blame them. But I think most of us know that not ALL Italian Americans are like that, just as I'd hope that most people would know that not all Black people behave like the idiots on Flavor of Love.

But here is my question of the day - should EVERYONE cry foul when we see stereotypical shows exploiting a certain group/race of people? Or are we only responsible for speaking out when it affects just OUR group/race?

I don't recall hearing about any Italian American organizations being upset at how Black people are portrayed in the media. I don't hear about any Asian organizations being upset about how Latinos are portrayed in the media. Or vice versa. Whenever there's an outcry over race or stereotypes in the media, it's usually Black people upset over how Blacks are portrayed, or Latinos upset over how Latinos are stereotyped, or women upset over how women are viewed, or gay people upset over how gay people are depicted.

That's not to say that there isn't some cross over. There are some who stand up for others when it comes to how we're all portrayed in movies and on tv. But for the most part, I rarely hear of any non-people-of-color groups coming to African Americans' defense when a show like I Love New York comes on, or Cops for that matter. There are rarely any non-people-of-color organizations screaming that there needs to be more Asian representation on tv, or that Latinos aren't all gang members or illegal "aliens." After all, there are SO many shows on tv that show us as drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps, maids, non-English speaking, convenience store owning, cab driving people. Yet, no one seems to care about that...not even "us."

But ONE show about a bunch of young Italians spending their summer at the Jersey shore has people upset. It's "wrong." It's perpetuating a stereotype. And guess what else? It was bound to happen.

It was only a matter of time before this type of stereotyping trickled down to "other" groups. Did they think they'd be immune to it forever? I'm not surprised by it, because people love to watch this type of nonsense. It's train wreck tv - and if it can work for one group or race of people, then certainly it can work for another. MTV is spreading the wealth, and the shock value of it all is translating into ratings. No matter who is upset, people are watching.

So, back to my question - should we even care about shows like this anymore? And if we do care about how people are depicted in the media, do we speak up for EVERYONE, or just our "own?" Are we our brother's keeper, or should "they" just get over it?

Curious to read your thoughts on this - let's go!

-b

Friday, December 11, 2009

TGIF like a mugg!

Even though I was out Monday, this week was forever!!! Looking forward to doing nothing but putting up my tree and watching football this weekend.

Now, instead of doing my Friday Sexy Survey, I'll ask a question of the day.

Stef brought this up yesterday, so I decided to make it the topic for today's blog, even though I've written about this before. On the radio yesterday morning, the talent was discussing who is at fault if someone goes through their partner's cell phone and finds out they've been cheating on them. This of course was brought on by El Tigre's situation and the voicemails and text messages that are continuing to be released to the media.

Now, of course, El Tigre's situation is extreme - but all of know someone who has gone through someone else's phone. Some of you have done it yourselves. My question to you all is - Are you wrong for going through someone's personal things EVEN IF you find the incriminating evidence you were looking for? Or are you only wrong IF YOU DON'T find anything?

Most women have a 6th sense with these things - a gut feeling when something is wrong. I'd even venture to say that some men have it as well. Some behavior doesn't require either gender to have secret powers of intuition - if your boo is taking his or her phone with them everywhere they go (including the bathroom) and sleeps with it under the pillow...then chances are, something ain't right.

But does THAT behavior give you probable cause to find out for yourself what's really going on? Or should you simply deduce from their behavior that something is off and you don't NEED the evidence?

Let's say you ARE messing around on your girl or your man and they DO find damning evidence - is it STILL wrong for them to have gone through your stuff...even if you're guilty? I had a guy friend break up with his girlfriend on the spot when she confronted him about emails and text messages she found. He said SHE couldn't be trusted. Really? He said that if she had found the evidence "a different way" (even though I don't see how else she could have), THEN he would be wrong. But because it was an "illegal search," all incriminating evidence was "inadmissible" - even though he was doing dirt on HER. Unbelievable.

Clearly he had been watching too much Law & Order, and he successfully flipped the script and left her feeling like she was a terrible person for invading his privacy. To this day, he still insists he wasn't at fault.

Now, mind you, she had asked him prior to going through his things if he was cheating on her - which he promptly denied. Without any evidence besides the gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of her stomach, she had no choice but to believe him. Or so she thought anyway.

So what is a girl or guy to do if they suspect infidelity but can't get access to or doesn't want to go through someone's things?

My answer?

Trust your instincts. Usually it won't steer you wrong, and the feelings you're having are usually brought on by something.

Now, if you're a naturally insecure person who has trust and self esteem issues, then maybe you could be paranoid. But if your mate all of a sudden keeps better tabs on his or her cell than the CIA, suddenly becomes secretive or argumentative, noticeably changed their behavior, the way they dress, how you have sex, or even if they are EXTRA nice out of nowhere and they seem like they're guilty about something - then chances are they ARE doing something wrong, and that's all you need to decide if you want to continue in the relationship or not. Not all guilt requires evidence or a confession. Sometimes your gut is enough.

But if you're someone who just needs to see or find out for yourself - then be prepared to do something with the evidence you find...because you WILL find it. And that means if you confront someone, be ready to for them to try and flip it on you and call you out for going through their things. If you plan on ending the relationship, then you probably don't care if they do all those things anyway. They will either try to make it your fault, or try to lie to get out of it - all of which means nothing if you're ready to bounce.

But if you're not sure you would end the relationship - no matter what you find - then keep what you find to yourself. Don't tell him or her, and don't tell your friends or family. If you find that someone was doing dirt but you want to stay and try to work on the relationship, then telling someone else what you found will mostly likely make you look foolish for staying. Nothing is wrong with fighting for your relationship if you feel it's worth it - but do so quietly.

Personally, I've never gone through a guy's phone. Every time I found out a man was cheating on me, the information literally just fell into my lap. I didn't have to do any snooping. It was as if God said, "Hey, let me show you something." Everything that's done in the dark will eventually come to the light. I truly believe that, so I feel no need to snoop through anyone's stuff. Some could view that as naive. But if I suspect something is off, and that feeling in the pit of my stomach keeps growing stronger and stronger, then that's all I need. I trust it, and I trust myself.

Tell me what you think - is some snooping justified? Or is it always wrong?

Let's go!

-b

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I need my back cracked. I'll just leave that at that.

....ahem...

- It must be asshole season. I can't be bothered. If you wanna be an asshole, then be one. Bitchassness is a disease.

- I received screening passes to see It's Complicated starring Meryl Streep (shut it Rameer), Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. The problem is, the screening is the same night as my department's holiday dinner. Is it bad that I'd rather go to a movie than eat free food and spread holiday cheer with my coworkers? Think they'd miss me? Dagnabbit!

- Speaking of Steve Martin, there's an NFL coach that looks just like him - can't think of his name or the team right now though.

- And speaking of coworkers, some of mine pronounce "January" as "ja-noo-werry." I guess they feel that if it's spelled that way, then that's how you say it. Maybe I'm wrong...who knows.

- Work has been making me crazy since I've been back. I should have stayed home longer.

- Some people are "givers" - some are simply "takers." Which do you believe yourself to be?

- Vivica Foxx plays 50 Cent's crazy ex in his new video?...uh....maybe not too far fetched huh? :-)




- I LOVE the curried shrimp and corn bisque at Hale & Hearty! I could eat it everyday.

- Godiva Chocolate would be good right about now too :-)

- Did anyone hear about the lesbian teachers caught having sex in a school in NY? What is THAT about?

- I still haven't cashed Serena's check. I'm gonna do it soon, I promise! And if you haven't donated to her page yet, you have plenty of time! It's for a great cause.

- Ms. Helen Folasade Adu - better known as Sade - is back! Take a listen.

- As I was leaving work last night, a guy in a red Jeep Cherokee rolled up next to me and asked me if I needed a taxi. When I told him no, he said he'd give me a good rate. Regular dude in a Jeep Cherokee, not a "car" or taxi cab. I think he was trying to kidnap me.

- Last night I had an IM chat for over an hour with someone I don't even know. They were in my buddy list, yet I don't remember how they got there. Good chat though :-)

- I need a Snuggie. I think that would make a good stocking stuffer :-)

I can't wait to see this!





-It's freezing outside! It might snow (again) on Sunday. Eagles and Giants baby! Gonna be a good one - I'm taking bets!

Go!

-b

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Happy Rainy Hump Day! (in the NYC anyway)

It's raining cats, dogs, Tigers and lions and bears outside! Geesh!

Speaking of Tigers, it just never seems to end for this cat.

One thing that is very noticeable about all these women that are coming out of the woodwork (with the exception of maybe a couple) is they all seem to be blonde. Tiger seems to have a "type."

Most reports have glossed over the fact that all the women are white.

And really...who cares?

But some have wondered if El Tigre has ever dated a black woman, or an Asian woman. I mean, after all, his mother is Asian...and we seem to think that most boys are attracted to women who remind them of the women in their lives - whether it's their mother, a grandmother, a favorite auntie :-)

My nephews seem to gravitate to "beige" women with long hair. (Kyce calls colors like he literally sees them) But it's no surprise, considering my sister is...uh..."beige" with long hair. When Beyonce or Alicia Keys are on tv, Kyce drops everything and stares...and he's only 5 years old.

So, you're in a crowded room...or subway...or Perkins Restaurant...and you catch someone's eye. No one else in the room...or train...or restaurant...matters. You both feel "it" - whatever "it" is. The undeniable sparks. Chemistry.

But what is that chemistry based on? Looks? Personality? Familiarity?

I'm sure it could be a combination of all of those things...or none of those things. It's something that continues to baffle scientists, poets and those who sing sappy love songs. What is it about a certain type of guy or girl that gets us all tingly?

Sometimes we're attracted to the same type over and over again without even knowing why. We gravitate towards tall men, short women, blondes, bald headed dudes...over and over again. What’s "familiar" about our recurring stream of sweethearts may not always be immediately evident though - at least not on the outside anyway.

People may feel chemistry with someone who treats them in a way that’s familiar because it’s a dynamic they know. A woman who grew up with a father who was a rolling stone jazz musician, for example, may end up with a wild-man rocker dude, who’s similarly unpredictable but (hopefully) in more positive ways. A guy who grew up with a nurturing mother who babied him and waited on him hand and foot might be attracted catering women who have no problem washing his dirty drawers. So, your relationship could echo some dynamic from your past.

Unless, however you never thought your wandering father or docile mother was cool. In that case, you might be attracted to men and women are the OPPOSITE of what you saw growing up, simply because you don't want to be with someone with those characteristics.

Perhaps it's possible to not have a "type" at all. Some people don't see race. They don't see "colors." They don't see height, or weight, or even distinguish certain personality traits from another. Some people just see each person - individually to determine if there's a spark.

So, tell me - do you think chemistry is a universal thing that can apply to ANY and EVERYONE? Or do you feel that familiarity breeds a bond? That "like attracts like"?

OR

Does the theory that opposites attract explain why we're drawn to someone completely unlike ourselves? And will the differences between two people presuppose passion - but an inevitable downfall since we wind up hating them for the very things that attracted us in the first place?

I'm curious to read your thoughts on this - and I want to know if any of you have a certain type that you find yourself dating over and over again.

Let's go!

-b

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Good morning everyone :-)

So I'm feeling well enough to get up and go to work. Thank you all for all your well wishes! :-)

Being home all weekend on the couch left me with plenty of time to watch tv while trying blow my nose and breathe at the same time. As you can imagine, everything on the news focused on...you guessed it...Tiger Woods. While I think this story just keeps evolving (supposedly his wife has moved out...she'll be back), the same question is being asked everyday: "If you're going to cheat, why get married?"

Now, to be fair, not every person who cheats SETS OUT to cheat. I'm sure a good number of folks who get married are completely in love and believe in forever with that one person. But then things happen - boredom, complacency, children, finances, or whatever - all can and sometimes DO take a toll on a relationship. Some people cheat because they're lacking something in their relationship. Some do it because they want to feel desired, challenged or simply because they want sexual variety. None of these are justifiable excuses...but simply a reason for infidelity.

But there are some who KNOW they can't be faithful, yet get married or find themselves in "committed" relationships anyway. And if you're a celebrity, most know that with money and power come greater temptation. If they've mastered their field - whether it's entertainment in the form of movies, music or sports - your level of arrogance and the desire to have it all presupposes that getting caught or suffering consequences isn't high on your radar. Celebs are used to winning.

And then someone gets hurt.

And then you have to shell out millions of dollars to make her stay, and pay out more to keep the rest quiet...allegedly.

So is it worth it? Why get married? That's the question.

The REAL question could be, "Is monogamy normal?"

There is nothing that tells us that we NEED to get married. There's no crime in being single - even though some would treat it that way. Are we EXPECTED to get married? Is that what society tells us we should do?

I mean, if your religion tells you you should get married, then maybe that's one thing. And if so, then adultery probably goes against that...unless your religion tells you that you can have multiple spouses. But for most religions, adultery is a sin...and you're supposed to be stronger than nature and fight the temptations of the flesh.

But for those who may not be religious, and who believe that monogamy isn't natural, why do THOSE people get married? Why form permanent relationships - or label them that way? I know some guys who ALWAYS have a "girlfriend." They can't wait to introduce you to their "girlfriend." Yet, they always cheat on their girlfriends... they always have a girl on the side. My question to them was always, "Why have a girlfriend? Why not just date MULTIPLE women?"

Most of them said they loved their "girl" but just had the other women for sex. And most of them would throw themselves in front of bus if their girl or wife ever found out about their cheating ways. Yet they did it anyway. I never understood that.

If you believe that monogamy isn't natural, then don't be selfish. There is nothing wrong with not having to answer to anyone. There's nothing wrong with going out, spotting someone you wanna hook up with for the night, have non-committal sex and keep it moving. When you're single, you can keep your options open, change your mind, find a new flavor of the week and avoid the emotional turmoil of breaking someone's heart - and the financial devastation of having to pay to keep her...or lose her. Simply put, some people don't believe in monogamy...and there's nothing wrong with that.

But some people do.

Just like there's nothing wrong with NOT believing in monogamy, there are a bunch of people who like the security of monogamy...especially when there are incurable diseases out there that can kill you.

Some say married people are happier, healthier and wealthier. Some like the emotional and physical intimacy that comes with monogamous relationships. They like the warm fuzzy feeling they get from knowing someone who loves them is at home waiting for them to come through the door. They like having someone to call when they need someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to just...be there. It's a high level of commitment that forms a family of two - or more should you decide to have children.

And if you find that you're with a person who believes in those things, then the expectation is that you believe in those things too if you're together. So if you DON'T believe in being faithful - or you do and know in your heart that you can't live up to that expectation - then be honest. It's one thing if you falter and make a mistake. But if you get into a relationship knowing you can't be faithful, even when your partner expects you to, then set that person free to be with someone who CAN be faithful. It's the most loving, selfless thing you can do.

Society tells us we should be "coupled up" - live our lives in "pairs." That's not always true. Some like team sports, some thrive in individual sports. We shouldn't force or feel forced into monogamous relationships, or feel lonely if we aren't in one. Love can still exist in our lives...even individually...not married. Just be honest with yourself if you're a person who does NOT believe in monogamy so that you don't hurt the people who do...cuz there are a lot of "DO's" out there.

Jus sayin.

-b

Monday, December 7, 2009

Happy Monday everyone!

I'm home sick today, as I was on Friday...which is why I didn't blog on Friday. I hope you didn't miss me too much ;-)

I started not to blog today, but wanted to get your opinion on something.

I stayed on the couch all weekend watching tv (when I was awake), and happened to catch some of Saturday Night Live. As you can imagine, they had a field day with the Tiger Woods situation.



Rihanna was the musical guest on SNL, so my question to you is this - was this skit depicting domestic violence insensitive to Rihanna? Do you think SNL would have done this skit had the genders been reversed? And if not, do you feel there's a double standard when it comes to domestic violence?

That's about all the energy I have today as far as typing, but let me know your thoughts on this. I'm curious to see your responses.

Go!

-b

P.S. Oh, and if you missed Rihanna and "Shy Ronnie's" skit on SNL, it was great!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Happy Random Thoughts Thursday!

I have to have a wisdom tooth pulled today...and I'm skerred!! Pray for me y'all!

Now...

- I had a chocolate fudge cookie for breakfast. Well, half of one. Not good.

- People have no concept of personal space on the train. This woman practically rested her bag on my lap, and I had to look at her like "seriously?" before she got a clue.

- The guy who sat on the other side of me wreaked of alcohol...at 9:30 am. Who does that??? Alcoholics I guess. And he had the dirtiest fingernails I've ever seen.

- Oh, and guys...don't put clear nail polish on your nails. This guy's nails were long, dirty and had chipped clear nail polish on them. Just grossed me out. When you get a manicure, get your nails BUFF shined, no polish.

- Instead of talking about Tiger, what we SHOULD be talking about is the couple who crashed the State Dinner. Da hell??? Uh...is the President really safe? And these fools got the nerve to be shopping around a reality tv show. Buffoonery.

- I have a cold...AGAIN. I hate being sick. And getting a wisdom tooth pulled won't help any. Thank goodness I'm off tomorrow.

- I'm happy Allen Iverson is back with the Sixers!

- What do we think about New York State voting against gay marriage?

- Serena, thank you for your order for Kyce's fundraiser! I got the money and your candle is in the mail today!

- The Grammy Nominations are out and Beyonce is up for 10 awards. Jigga, Big Mos, Drake, Kid Cudi, Eminem, Common and Q-Tip also have nominations...should be interesting. The Grammys air January 31st.

- Oh, and my boo Maxwell received 6 nominations! This is for you (and me) Yolanda :-)



Go!

-b

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Happy Hump Day!

Speaking of "humping" - Tiger Woods has apologized for his "transgressions." Guess it had something to do with that voicemail...ya think? What voicemail you ask? Oh...you didn't hear it? Oh...allow me :-)



Yikes!

This is the statement he released on his website:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.


I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.


Well, at least he didn't call a press conference crying on tv with his wife holding his hand looking all pitiful. He has decided to handle his business privately with his family. We'll give him that.

I started to write a blog titled, "If You're Gonna Cheat, Do it Right!" Number One on that list would be not to leave damaging voicemails! But I couldn't make it funny...and besides, I wanted to see what the ladies on The View were gonna say first :-)

The morning jocks on the radio were full of jokes too, saying that "side chicks" don't follow the rules anymore. Well, my response to that would be to be more selective with your side chicks - and if you can't do that, then don't have any.

The truth is, when it comes to infidelity, sex, love or any other private matters of the heart - there are no rules. I could write blogs on how to cheat, how not to get caught, the rules of being a sidechick, how to break up with the sidechick - but it would all be done for jokes.

But at the end of the day, this is sad. Tiger is human. He's not God. He's not the squeaky clean man many believe him to be. He's a golf phenom and an endorsement powerhouse who may take a bit of a tumble. But he'll be fine. He's used to performing under pressure. And he always wins.

Just like Kobe came back from his rape trial mess, so will Tiger from this. He'll get on the golf course, demolish his competition, and we'll all love him again.

Powerful men, talented men - they always seem to emerge victorious, even when they fail their families and make their PR machines work overtime after their "transgressions" are made public. Part of being great means that all of your faults are put on blast for all to see. Men and women cheat everyday, they fail their families everyday, they fail themselves everyday - we just don't see it on CNN and TMZ.

I can't even say that I'm surprised or disappointed anymore when a Bill Clinton, a Kobe Bryant or a Tiger Woods is caught cheating. Powerful men are never told they can only own or run ONE corporation. Superior athletes are never told they can only excel at ONE sport. Wealthy men are never told they can only have ONE portfolio...own ONE house. So why should that stop at women? Yes, we can ask, "If you can't be faithful, then why have a wife?" That's a logical question with maybe a not-so-fair answer.

There's a benefit in business or a corporate environment to having a wife. It gives the illusion of stability. Maybe it's not an illusion. But most powerful men who have the world at their feet, like Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan, want EVERYTHING. They're used to going after and getting what they want. Money, fame, championships...and yes...women. It's almost as if it goes hand in hand. I'm not saying it's right, or fair to the wives who genuinely love them, but it is what it is.

Some women know exactly what they're getting into, and they co-sign their man's lifestyle while reaping the benefits. Others? Well...they get hurt. They think their man is different. They think he'd never do anything to let his family down. And sometimes they're wrong.

Then reality sets in. She checks his voicemail. She checks his phone...and then he takes a 9-iron to the face and crashes his ride.

Tiger will get his truck fixed. He'll disappear for a while. His face will heal and he will win another championship. He will be fine. His family will be fine. And so will we.

-b

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Since you all (Stef) seem to love Jay so much, I figured I'd give him a shot at guest blogging. He was up for the challenge, and was even brave enough to volunteer for TMI Tuesday - so let's see what he has to say :-)

Things Men Do...But You'll Never Know It...by Jay (No Last Name)

What's up peoples! I'm honored to have a guest spot on Brookey's Blog - I know she doesn't give up her space...uh...how would she say..."all willy nilly." :-) As we were discussing the "Tiger" blog from yesterday, she mentioned that she was running out of things to blog about for TMI Tuesday. I mean, I can see how that can happen. After all, we already know she needs a new toy, she pees with the door open and she can squirt - so what's left to tell? Okay, so maybe she doesn't pee with the door open, but Brooke shares alot with us.

So I figured I'd share some things of my own. As you all can probably tell by now, I have no problem putting myself out there, whether it's with mistakes I've made or how some men think. So I figured I'd write one blog that encapsulates all things TMI about me...and maybe some other men in your life. So, with that said, let me give you a list of some embarrassing, or not so embarrassing things some men may do, but never admit to.

1. We cry. I know...some women automatically look at you like you're a clown if you cry. Well, sometimes we do. I cried at my boy's wedding. I cried when my grandmother passed away. And yes, I might even get choked up at a movie or two. It's happened. I'm not ashamed of it. And I'll do it again dammit...probably when I witness my child being born, God willing.

2. We "groom." I don't pluck or wax, but I DO shave. I shave my head, my beard, my chest and all "other" regions. I make sure there are no stray hairs peeking out my nostrils, I trim my fingernails...I've even been known to get a manicure or two. I haven't evolved to pedicures yet because thankfully I don't have toes that look like talons, but you get the picture. I think next on my list is teeth whitening, since Brooke makes a point of mentioning teeth and a nice smile as something she finds attractive in men ;-) My joints ain't yellow, but a nice smile wins points with the ladies :-)

3. I drink "girlie drinks." Yeah I said it! Cosmos are good. So are daiquiris. Sure, I'll drink beer, something with vodka in it and a nice cognac, but I'll drink a nice "sweet" wine or a frozen apple martini from BBQ's in minute too. Don't judge me.

4. Speaking of Cosmos, I read it too. Yes, it's a girlie magazine, but if it's lying around at my sister's house, I'll read it...along with her Essence Magazine, her Marie Claire, even her O Magazine. I know some men may give me the side eye for that, but what better way to get into a woman's head than to see what nonsense she's reading about us? I tend to study women because I love women. Plain and simple. I wanna know what she's thinking, what she's into and what she's reading. I'll even do the quizzes :-)

5. I know I'm gonna catch it for this one, but who cares...it's TMI Tuesday right? Well here goes. I watch "chick flicks." There, I said it. I have no problem watching Desperate Housewives, Sex and the City, Glee or Cougar Town. Some of these shows are just funny...and well written. If it's a good show or movie, I'll watch it. I like drama, not just blowing sh*t up...and great plots and developed characters. If it just happens to be a "chick flick," then so be it.

6. Something else some men might not admit to, but sometimes...SOMETIMES....I turn down sex. NOT ALOT, but sometimes. Yes, we have headaches too. Yes, I'm tired dammit. Yes, I'd rather watch the game sometimes. SOMETIMES. If turning down sex every once in a while makes me less of a stud, then oh well...sue me. That's not all we think about or all we want. Sometimes we just want to...(I can't believe I'm saying this)...."cuddle."

7. I like to shop. Yep, I have certain stores I like. I have certain labels I wear. I buy shoes. I try on clothes. I like to look good. And yes, sometimes I'll let a woman dress me. If she thinks I look good, then that's all that matters. Isn't that why we do it anyway, for women? Yes, it's EXACTLY why.

8. Speaking of shopping and looks...let's see...how should I put this? Okay, you know how you ladies ask us if we like Denzel's suit or think he looks handsome in it...and we say we don't notice things like that or we don't know what a good looking dude looks like? Well, we do - we just don't want you to think we're gay if we say a certain guy is rocking his suit or we like his kicks. We can give props to a guy for what he can DO - play sports or bag chicks - but not for what he looks like, cuz otherwise that would be questioning our sexuality. But if a guy is wearing his clothes right, I can give him his due. Nothing wrong with that.

9. I hold hands, kiss in public and get "mushy." I give my lady pet names and I make candlelit dinners. I guess you can say I'm a romantic. That may not be "manly" but it's me.

10. Lastly, I hug my brothers and I kiss my dad on the cheek. I show "man love" I guess you can say. I wasn't one of these kids that was told that men showing affection was wrong or "feminine." The men in my family love each other and we show it. And if I ever have a son, he'll know I love him too.

Okay, so there you have it, all my "not so manly" secrets put on blast for TMI Tuesday. I'm ready, I can take it, get at me!

-Jay

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